Far Away
by LcarbyM
Summary: Title is from the Nickelback song if anyone wants to check it out, it does fit with the story. Set around season 13. Abby goes to Darfur running into a certain someone... CARBY! Last chapter uploaded!
1. Change

A/N: Everyone said they would like to see a Abby in Darfur story, so here is something I am throwing out there. I don't know much about Darfur, nor do I speak french very well, so forgive me if something is inaccurate. IF you do see something please let me know. I made this to be set around the beginning of season 13. Enjoy and tell me what you think!

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Sitting at the broken desk I pick up my second piece of paper, crumbling the first and throwing it into the trash can.

Dear Kem...

Nothing. I can't seem to find any words. We parted over a year ago and I have yet to speak with her. Maybe it is just time to bury the past, we tried so hard to keep our relationship going but in the end it was worthless. I left her in Paris tending to her own projects when I traveled back to Africa to help out. I think we both knew that I wasn't coming back.

"Doctor Carter?" I hear a man behind me speak, his english words tainted by his French accent. I turn raising my brow.

"They are bringing in a girl.. caught by the janjaweed." he says, knowing that is enough, and turns to run back and assist. I sigh, pushing the sweat from my forehead and cursing god for allowing another girl to be harmed. I grab my bag and run down to the clinic tent where I can see the woman already being carried in. She is in bad shape, deep lacerations to the thighs and her face looks like she fell from a 50 story building and landed on her head. I have never seen it this bad, it seems like every woman that is brought in is worse then the one before.

"Hand me those bandages please." Debbie, the nurse, asks. I am not allowed to touch the woman's cuts, that is to be done by a fellow lady. As I watch her stitch up the lacerations along the woman's thighs I find myself thinking about the previous night. A run in with the janjaweed. Dakarai and I were attempting to move a woman from the camp into the town's so-called hospital to amputate her leg, but she unfotunately was taken into custody, they let us go, or more forced us to leave.

I walk outside, removing my shirt I have layered over the green short sleeve shirt I am wearing. The heat is ridiculous here and at times I find myself wishing for Chicago snow but I must say I have adapted quite well. Man, chicago. I have been thinking about County lately and all my friends that I left there. Pratt gave me a pretty good update on how everyone is doing when he was here a couple of months ago. Susan left, I still can't believe it, and Luka is the new chief. So much had changed since I departed. It amazes me still that Abby is having a child, or has had by now. She never talked of wanting children, I think mostly that had to do with her own childhood. Now she was with Luka and they were a family... I sometimes think back to when we were together, how much I had wanted to be the father of her children. Things were so different now.

"John!"

"Dakari, where have you been? I thought you would have been with the refugee truck bringing in the woman from the outskirts." I say confused that I hadn't seen him until now.

"I was but I had to leave, I was escorting the new doctor in from the main village... pretty one she is."

"I wasn't aware there was another doc coming in, when did this happen?"

"We received a call the other day, I forgot to mention it before I left this morning. Apparently les doctores international program has scouted quite a few docs to come over with the current situation."

"Well, good we need all the help we can get over here."

"I need to go to the congo to transfer a patient. Malaria. I guess they are running low on supplies and help so I told them we could help out... you think you can show our new girl around or do I need to stay for the night..." he asks jokingly.

"I think I can handle it, thanks." I say sarcastically, "But do we really have room down here for more people.. we are already pushing it."

"Well we will have to make room," he says before patting me one on the back and walking towards his tent.

"She is settling in right now, but I told her you would be at the clinic when she was done.." he says still walking, slowly fading out. Well, I am glad he knew I would accept.

I turn on my heel and head back to the clinic, checking my watch for the time. Damn. Broke again, how many times is this piece of crap going to break? I should have given in and brought the expensive watch Gamma gave me but I didn't want to stand out quite so much. Actually, I probably would have been beaten and robbed if I had worn that around. Bad idea John.

When I reach the clinic, I see no sight of our new doctor.

"tu avez vu le nouveau docteur féminin se demandant autour ici?" I ask the young man who I find changing IV's if he has seen her.

"Je ne l'ai pas vue." he responds shrugging his shoulders and paying me no attention. I decide to check on some patients while I wait, understanding that she might need sometime to settle in from such a horrid flight and I'm sure, culture shock. I would tell her not to worry about it tonight, that I would show her the grounds tomorrow, but if the janjaweed happen to come tonight she needs to know what to do and where to go.

As I am standing over my youngest patient, checking his vitals and IV bag I hear it. Her voice. I suddenly feel like I am about to have a heart attack, my chest is pounding, my muscles tighten, and my stomach feels like it had just shot into my throat.

"excuse me?...excusez-moi, je recherche quelqu'un?" she asks in english and then god awful french when she doesn't get an answer. I turn slowly and stare for a second, wow she looks so different. Her brown hair is incredibly long now, reflecting her eyes the way I always had loved. She is standing tall, somewhat nervous... her creme shirt sweated to her body accenting her tan glow. She looks amazing.

I leave the young boy and travel over to where she is standing, interrupting her bad attempt at formulating a french sentence, she did after all fail french in college.

"I believe you're looking for me madame..." I say slyly as she whoops around at the sound of my voice. Her first reaction if that of someone who just saw a ghost, then her mouth begins to form the brightest smile I have seen around here in so long.

"Carter! Oh my god, I had no idea you were here... I thought you were living in Paris." She says as we hug.

"Yea, long story... but hey what about you I never expected to see you over here. When did you decide to join us traveling docs huh?"

"Right.. well I needed to get away, do something new." she says but I don't really listen. I'm to busy starting at her... when did she become so radiating? I mean I obviously am attracted to her considering our past but standing here I can't stop staring at her. She gives me a weird look asking silently what I am grinning about...

"It's really good to see you Abby."

"You too Carter."

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Ok... tell me what you think. I tried to make this as real as possible with the problem that I know very little about Darfur.


	2. Culture shock

Carters POV

Walking along the sandy roads, squinting my eyes at the blinding sunset, I must say I can't get over the fact that I am standing next to Abby. After a year and change of not seeing each other, and barely talking for that matter, I never thought that the next time we met eye to eye would be in Darfur. As we walk along, me pointing out particular stations and tents, her absorbing the culture shock, I start wondering why she came here to begin with. What happened to County and Luka. What happened to their baby?

"So this a big enough change for you?" I ask noticing her expression or sadness.

"I always knew things were bad over here, but I don't think you can really understand until you witness it I guess."

"Yea, I think I was saying the same thing when I first came.. all those stories I told you about Luka and I being held at gunpoint and the ransacks at the camps... i'm sure that seemed a little hard to imagine, but you will see plenty of that here and worse. Do you really know what you are getting yourself into Ab-"

"I do, I think I know more so because of those stories. I know it's dangerous and I know it's hard but I want to do this. I want to help, you of all people should support that.." she says nudging me. We stay silent for a moment and then I blurt it out.

"What about the baby?" I ask, confused as to why she would put herself in such harms way with a child back at home. Not to mention those bags she was carrying didn't look like she planned on staying for just a week or two. Shouldn't she be home with her child?

"What?" She asks stopping in her tracks. She looks at me with a 'how the hell did you know about that' glare.

"Pratt... when he was here awhile back told me you and Luka..."

"Oh." she says softly looking away from me.

"Sorry, I just-"

"No, I just didn't realize you knew that's all. Umm... I'd rather not talk about County, and Chicago right now..." she continues on but I don't listen much. Why doesn't she want to talk about her baby? Chicago is not the same thing, but I know Abby and I know not to push it. Maybe it's just uncomfortable talking about her and Luka with me which is understandable.

"So how long have you been here? We all thought you were in Paris." she asks.

"Yea, well I was for awhile but things just weren't working out and I got called to come to Darfur... so I just kind of jumped at the opportunity to get away."

"Same here I guess." she smiles, knowing that she just took my shortcut answer and used it to get herself out of the spotlight.

"Well, I should head back to check on some patients before I head to bed."

"You're going to bed this early?" she asks confused.

"Abby if you can get some sleep, do it... trust me." I say and she laughs.

"Alright, I guess I should then after the long flight... I'll see you tomorrow then." she says, smiling then walking away back to her tent. I watch her for a second, wondering why she is being so closed off, but hey that's Abby I guess. She had changed so much since we were together but she was still Abby, that girl I had fallen so hard for.

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The next morning I awoke to the sound of stomping and shouting. I could hear the horses of the janjaweed close by and I felt myself panic a bit. I ran out of my tent and down a ways to see Abby helping a women into the clinic and Dakari screaming at the leader of the group, all of them sitting proudly on their horses.

"You are not allowed here!" He kept shouting knowing it woudln't make a difference. By law the janjaweed were not allowed to come onto the refugee property and now they were disobeying that. I approached Dakari holding him back from doing something stupid. The man just stared at us, his men laughing, and spit. He couldn't care less.

As the galloped off, I turned to Dakari with a look of disbelief. He never speaks to the janjaweed that way, and in fact he is the one always holding me back.

"What are you doing?"

"They got Katara!" he said shoving me off and pacing into the clinic tent. Katara was his sister. She had traveled from the states in hopes of building a school in the northern part of Africa. She decided to stop and help for a few days, now look what happened. I was shocked to hear that the janjaweed had attacked her. They are much more respectful of the doctors and refugee aids here and know they aren't allowed on the camp grounds.

I follow Dakari into the tent to see Abby patching up her lacerations on the thigh. Rape. Damn, I can't believe this.

"What happened, were you off the grounds?" Dakari asks distraught. Family is very important to him.

"Abby." I whisper and wave for her to follow me and give them sometime alone. We step outside and walk aways before anything is really said.

"That isn't right Carter, how can they just come in here like that." she asks, more to herself then me.

"It's not right, but there really isn't much that can be done right now. If you try to challenge them you can guarentee yourself a beaten. We need outside help, and it just isn't there." I say and look at her. I can see how upset she is, she isn't used to this.

"Hey come here." I say pulling her into a hug. "I'm not saying that you will ever get used to this, or feel better about it, but you just have to remember why your here ya know? These people need your help." She shakes her head into my chest.

"I know, I'm sorry it's just a lot to take in."

"I know."

"I don't understand...if they attacked her and... well why did they bring her back?"

"To show authority, power. They like to watch us get upset they... they think it's funny. They don't want us to forget who is in charge around here." I say sadly and she looks at me with digust. I don't think she realized what she was getting herself into...

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So what did you think? It will pick up soon I promise.


	3. Reality

It had been a couple of days, and Abby seemed to be acclimating quite well. After Katara's rape, I think she was on the brink of leaving. I could see the fear and disgust in her eyes that day. She stayed though, and I'm so glad for that because having her around again is making this place seem so much more alive.

I walk into the clinic tent hoping for some quiet so I can write in my medical journals. I have been keeping track of interesting cases I have seen while here, but it is so hard to write when you are in a room with three other guys that can't shut up. Everyone wakes so early here, you would think that at 5am it would be nice and quiet, well it's not.

"Hey, you're up early." I hear her say and I turn around startled.

"I could say that same for you." I reply, surprised to see her up and in here already.

"Dakari woke me up an hour ago... her parents rushed her in, we think it's malaria." she says moving aside so I can see the little girl lying beside her. I sigh and walk over, taking a seat beside the bed. Abby is lying in the bed rubbing the girls forehead, which is extremely clammy.

"She's so young." I hear Abby whisper. I nod in response and look up at her IV. It's getting low and I don't think we have anymore bags.

"Where did you get that?"

"Dakari had some in the truck... it's all we have until monday." I sigh, it's thursday. There is no way we can go that long.

"Carter?" she asks and I lift my head. "Why are you up so early?"

"Oh.." I lift my journal from under my arm and she smiles. "Looking for some peace and quiet." She nods and I get up slowly, trying not to wake the girl.

"Let me know if you need anything." I say and walk into the other room to sit at the desk.

As I sit there, writing about yesterday's events I find that my "medical journal" has become more of a personal notebook. I learn and see so much everyday that I can't help but write about it all, and sometimes I think I need to just to stay sane. The sun is starting to rise I can see out the tent opening, which means I must have been sitting here for almost an hour. I rub my face with my hands and stand up to go check on the young boy that came in for malnutrition. Thank god he is doing much better, I have lost too many kids due to starvation.

As I stand over his bed, checking his vitals I hear Abby yell.

"Carter! Carter she's seizing." she yells trying to turn the girl over so that she doesn't choke on her vomit. I run over to her side and search for the anti-seizure meds. Damn it, isn't there any left?

"I don't think there is any shots left!" I yell as I watch the girl's body shake violently.

"We need to cool her down some how." Abby yells. I nod and look around for something to help us. There isn't any water around, and surely no ice. The water is almost a mile down the road..

"We're going to have to use the saline." I say getting up and running out to the truck. I can hear Abby yelling that we need them but I don't listen, it's all we have right now and she knows it.

When I get back inside I rip the bags open with my pencil and pour the water based fluid over the child, mostly on her head. Abby soaks up some onto a cloth and keeps rubbing her forehead with it. I run and grab my disgrace of a fan from the tent and place it next to her bedside hoping to keep her cool. The seizing stops, but Abby and I both know she won't make it through the day. If her fever is that high to induce seizing, she won't last much longer. If only we were back at county... then we could really help her. Damn it.

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I hike up over the cliffside, the only real aspect of nature in this small village, to my special spot. I come up here every once in awhile to get away from everything. I can sit and watch the sunset and just think. However, I am surprised to find my spot occupied tonight.

"First you steal my bench and now this.." I tease and she turns abruptly. I think I scared her.

"I think you're going crazy.. that was definitely MY bench." she replies and I smile thanking god for her humor. I've definitely missed our banter, it made life so simple.

"You ok?" I ask.

"Yea I guess. I just wish we could have helped her." She says softly and I know she is talking about the little girl. She left us early, 13:47 pm.

"I know, it's hard being so restricted. I thought County sucked with it's lack of technology." I joke, sitting down next to her and tugging at my jeans. She doesn't laugh.

"I don't know how you can stay over here for so long."

"It keeps things real." I offer and she nods. She raises her head to look at me almost debating whether she wants to speak.

"What?"

"How long HAVE you been here?" she asks slowly. I look away, out at the sun, and ponder on what to say. I feel foolish talking to people about this. Yes I have been here for a year, I left my job and friends to travel half way across the world for the woman I loved and then we broke up three months later. What a looosseerr.

"About a year." I say turning to face her. I see her eyebrows raise and I look away.

"A year? Wow, what about Kem?"

"Just didn't work out. There wasn't any big reason, we just couldn't seem to go back after everything that had happened. It wasn't the same." She nods looking at me with empathy.

"You going to share your story or do I need to pull tee-"

"There isn't anything to share." She interrupts.

"Nothing? What about your baby? You never talk about-"

"Carter, leave it alone. There's nothing to tell I said." I'm startled at first at her hostility but I know I'm going to have to fight with her on this one.

"Nothing to tell? So, you just woke up one morning and decided to leave your baby and jump on the next flight to Africa!"

"Leave my baby out of this Carter, you don't know anything. You haven't been there, you know nothing about my life so just stop right there," She says angrily and stands up to walk away.

"How come you never talk about her... or him... is it a girl?"

"Carter!"

"A boy? huh? What about Luka Abby, what happened there?" I say frantically as I run catching up with her. She's pissed, I know, but I also know that this is the only way she is going to talk about it.

"John I told you I didn't want to talk about and I don't! Leave me alone!" She yells directly in my face.

"Come on Abby, I can tell something happened. Something big or you wouldn't have run away. I told you my story-"

"Oh boo fucking hoo Carter. So you guys broke up, I could have figured that one out by myself... You want to know why I'm here? Do you really want to know!"

"Yes!"

"There is no baby Carter! I went into premature labor, my placenta ruptured and my baby died! ... so why am I here? I'm here because I couldn't get up and walk into that place anymore... Because I couldn't look Luka in the eye anymore...and, and, I couldn't deal with all of the 'I'm sorry's", and... I.." she screams starting to choke on her sobs as I stand there floored.

I walk over to her taking her in my arms as she begins to loose her ability to stand. As I hug her to me, she fights me, punching my chest and shoving me back but I don't let go. I know she needs to be comforted and I am not about to let her play strong Abby right now.

As she crumbles into my embrace all I can do is sink down to the ground with her. I won't sit here and say that I can only imagine what she is going through, because I do know. I have been there, I know what she is feeling, and I know that running away isn't going to fix this for her.

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What did you think? Sorry to any luby fans reading about the baby, but Abby wouldn't have gone to Africa is she had a kid.


	4. Dangerous roads ahead

Lying in my bed, I can't seem to fall asleep. Tonight's events keep running through my head and I just can't shake it. Abby lost her baby. How could god be so cruel to punish both of us in such a way. I never even thought that her baby hadn't made it, but I knew something had happened and that is why I pushed her so hard to talk to me. Even though it hurt so badly to see her breakdown like that, I'm glad she did, she really seemed like she needed it.

After we walked back down to the grounds, I found myself feeling incredibly awkward standing next to her. I had gone through the same thing only two years ago and yet I couldn't think of anything to say to her. Maybe that's because I knew I didn't want anyone preaching to me when Joshua died, it just doesn't make you feel any better about what happened. Nothing can really, nothing but time. I wish that she would realize that running isn't going to fix this though. I know that me of all people can't convince her of that, after all that's what I used to do. Run away from my problems, people, her. I hope she doesn't regret it like I did.

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I walk down the road the next day looking for Dakari. I am hoping that I can get out of traveling into town for supplies. I don't feel like spending all day on the road, to much thinking time. I had way to much of that last night and I didn't sleep at all.

"Hey." I hear from behind and I turn to see Abby standing there, her hands holding the stethoscope that hangs around her neck. I figured that she would avoid me all day.

"Hi, how are you doing?"

"I'm alright." she shrugs her shoulders. "I'm sorry about last night, I got kind of emotional.. you shouldn't have had to deal with that." she says with the ususal Abby attitude. She always thinks she's a burden, I just want to help her.

"What do you mean deal with that? Abby, we're friends-"

"I know, but-"

"But nothing, I mean hey... I know better then anyone right?" I say with a touch of sadness to my voice. She smiles sadly at me and whispers a "yea."

"Why don't we go far a walk, we can talk?" I ask hoping she won't put up a fight.

"Carter I'd rather not, I just-"

"Ab come on. You really should talk to someone... and hey I'd like to talk to someone too huh?" I say hoping that will get her to agree and partially telling the truth. I have come to some kind of closure about Joshua's death, but I think talking about it every once in awhile is good for me, and now it might be good for Abby too. I want her to know that I understand where she is coming from and I'll be there for her if she needs me.

"Ok.. but not right now?" she asks with a somewhat pleading face asking me not to push it. " I have to go into town with Dakari. I promise when I get back." she says to my surprise.

"You're actually going to be stuck with me all day then, thats why I'm down here. It's good you're going, you should see what it's like. It's not much better then here but the people are a little more lively I guess." she nods. The people at the refugee camp are great but we are in constant watch for janjaweed and they are all mostly ill. It's hard.

"Hey guys, we all ready?" Dakari says approaching us from behind. I can see that Debbie is with him and I'm a little confused.

"Are we all going?" I ask.

"Yea, we're getting a big shipment in... we are going to need as many hands as we can get...or fit in the truck." he jokes. " So I asked Abby to come and Debbie and I will ride in front since you have no direction." he teases. For some reason he seems a little uneasy.

"Yea, cause there's so many street signs telling me where I'm going." I say sarcastically and then look over at Abby. She rolls her eyes at me bad joke til we make eye contact and then she dodges me by getting in the truck, a big grin on her face.

"I saw that!" I yell after her but she doesn't look back. This should be interesting.. we are known for our road trips.

"John, can I talk to you?" Dakari asks. We walk behind the truck and he lifts up the cloth back. There in the trailer sits Kamei.

"What! No, Dakari-"

"John we have no choice, we can't treat her here anymore. It's less suspicious if we travel during the day, they won't check the back." he's right, they probably won't as long as we have ID, but it's still dangerous. Kamei is a girl the janjaweed were holding prisoner that fled into the refugee camp. We have been treating her but she is too beaten and sick.

"Just keep an eye on her as we ride ok?" I nod and look back at her. She is hallucinative and delirious because she is so drugged up. I don't know what we are going to do if we get caught. Not only will they kill her, but they will probably kill us too.

"Did you tell the girls?" I whisper as he goes to get in the truck. He turns back around and walks towards me.

"I didn't want to panic them for nothing."

"This is dangerous.. maybe we should leave them behind." I say not wanting to drag Abby into this. He looks at me for a second but I obviously didn't change his mind.

"It'll be fine John." he says and then climbs in. I stand there for a second debating if I should take the girls and run.

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After traveling for about an hour we are almost there and I can't seem to sit still. I hate sitting in the back, I get so antsy when I feel cramped up. When most people say I'm going into town they mean 10 minutes. Our "town" is an hour out. And that's besides the fact that I feel like a total fugitive.

"Ants in your pants?" Abby asks laughing at me.

"ha ha ha." I say sarcastically. She laughs which makes me smile. She always did have that affect on me. She seems to be okay considering what happened last night, or maybe she is putting on an act. We can't really talk much with everyone in the truck together.

"You know John, they said we had double materials thanks to your call." I hear Dakari say from the front, looking in the rearview mirror at us.

"That's great," I say looking back into the cab at Kamei, not paying attention..god I am so nervous. I had made a few calls hoping to see some more supplies sent over, we were really scrounging for stuff, so I'm glad we got more support. I look back at Dakari and suddenly my face turns sour, Dakari noticing turns his attention back to the front of the car. There in front of us, a couple yards away sit the janjaweed.

"Shit." I say out-loud but quietly and I can see Abby look at me.

Dakari slows down, stopping to talk to one of the men as the others look for our ID's. The man begins yelling in Arabic, something about transporting medicine. I decide to get out and help Dakari, there is no reason that we shouldn't be able to go through the barrier and they are just making shit up, besides if they see Kamei in the back...

"We are doctors, we are just going to get some supplies." I say holding up my ID. He grabs it and throws it back.

"You have what you need at the camp." he says stubbornly.

"We have nothing over there are you kidding me?" I say, overstepping my rights a bit and the man kicks me from on top of his horse.

"Carter!" Abby yells as she gets out running over to me but the men grab her.

"I'm fine, it's ok." I tell her holding my hand out for her to stop. She can't just run over like that, it makes them nervous. If they get upset they are more likely to search for weapons...we don't want that. "She's new. She's a doctor too." I say pointing to her badge attached to her shirt. The man looks at her for a second and then lets her go.

" Where is Kamei?" The man asks Dakari. Every time we run into them they pressure us for her return. They don't know that she was lying right in the back, but if they find her we are good as dead.

"I'm sorry?" Dakari says playing stupid. The man steps down from his horse and smacks dakari in the face with his gun, causing him to fall backwards. I look over at Abby and I can tell she is scared.

"We don't know where she is, we haven't seen her since she was taken." I say hoping to calm the man. He knows were lying.

"Search the truck." I hear him say but I can't translate until I see them go for the truck.

"What are you doing! We showed you our badges, we are doctors!" I yell but all it gets me is a gun pointed directly at my face.

I watch as the men search the cab and as they make their way to the back I feel my chest tighten, Damn it Dakari. I knew this was a bad idea.

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So what did you think? I'm sure people want to know more about the baby and Luka and I will write that I promise but it wasn't the focus of this chapter.

Keep up the reviews guys, I really appreciate it and have been trying to respond to everyone! Thanks.


	5. Aware, rust, repair

"Dakari do something!"

"Listen, we showed you our ID's, you know who we are and we aren't breaking any laws. We haven't seen her." Dakari says in one last attempt to stop them from searching the back of the truck.

The man yells something at Dakari and then waves at his men and they back away from the truck, walking back to their horses. As they climb on and ride away I start to walk off from the road, kicking the dirt lying at my feet. That was too close and now I'm just pissed.

"Are you ok?" I turn around to see Abby walking towards me but I raise my hand to stop her from coming any further.

"Carter come on. Look nothing happened, I mean it was bad but... why didn't you guys just let him search the truck, we weren't carrying anything illegal-"

"Kamei is in the back! Dakari wanted to bring her into the town hospital!" I yell frustrated and taking it out on the wrong person.

"Is that what they were yelling about? and she was back there the whole time!" She yells back at me. I see out of the corner of my eye Dakari talking with Debbie and something goes off. I run over to him and start digging into him as the girls walk away to leave us be.

"What the hell were you thinking! I told you this was a stupid idea, they would have killed us all if they had found her!"

"Look John, that was a close call but we are fine-"

"No, we are going back. Now."

"We have already passed the janjaweed, we can't go back now."

"Yes we are. That was way to close Dakari! We are just asking to get killed now- and I'm not about to let you drag Abby into this, she doesn't know what they can do."

"She is a big girl John, and you know I wouldn't bring her if I thought she was in danger."

"Are you serious? What about what just happened?"

"It was under control. You should have let me handle it to begin with!" He yells getting very angry with me. I grab the keys from his hands and start making my way to the truck.

"Were going back." I yell before slamming the truck door.

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When we arrive back at the camp, I leave right away deciding to take a walk before Dakari and I kill each other. I know he is angry that we couldn't transfer Kamei but I wasn't going to continue on after the run in we had, especially not with Abby in the truck.

I sit down next to the water hole, a disgrace for one, and splash my face. It is actually looking semi-clean today. After sitting there for a few minutes I just can't shake my anger. I'm not just angry about today though, I'm just angry at everything. At myself and how I have ended up here alone, at kem, at Dakari, at Abby, at god. I left my life in Chicago, the only one I ever knew for the girl I loved and not only was I not with her but I was in Africa, in the center of a genocide. I was angry at Dakari for today sure but I was more angry at the way life was over here for these people. I also found myself pissed at Abby. But why? What had she done? I knew deep down why I was mad. I was mad that she had come here in the first place.

Abby coming to Africa had stirred up so many different emotions for me. After today's close call I just couldn't shake it. I was so scared that something was going to happen to her and I was slowly realizing how much my well buried feelings towards her were resurfacing. Being here in Africa, without Kem, I have been so alone. When Abby arrived, I didn't want here because it was so dangerous but at the same time I never wanted to see her leave. Just having her around again, just the two of us, really brought up old feelings. I kept thinking back to our coffee breaks by the river and all the fun we used to have. Of course with that came all of the bad times and the awkward break-up that soon followed my departure to the congo. That seemed like so long ago.

Now she was here and suffering from such a terrible loss. All I wanted to do was comfort her, and that scared me. I found myself being thrust back into the past when I was there, comforting her and trying so hard to be her rock. It made me feel horrible that I was developing these feelings when all she was looking for was a friend. Who the hell was I?

"Hey." My thoughts are interrupted by Abby walking up and sitting next to me.

"Hey... sorry about earlier, I didn't mean to yell at you I was just kind of yelling." I laugh embarrassed and she smiles.

"It's ok... how are you doing? I was pretty sure I was going to have to break up a fight back there."

"Yea... I just blew up.."

"You know, I have heard so many stories, and I mean I saw what they did to katara, but being there and seeing them first hand... they seem so inhuman."

"I'm sorry about all of that Abby, you shouldn't have had to go through that crap-"

"It wasn't your fault John-"

"Well I could have stopped you from going." She looks at me for a second but I can't look at her. After what seems like an hour of silence she decides to change the subject.

"You know, after it happened... I think I slept for a straight week. That's all I wanted to do was sleep. I tried working, burying myself in long hours but just being there and having people tip-toe around me, I made things worse. So I told Kerry I was taking leave and I just went home and went to bed for days on end. I just didn't want to think, or talk about it." she continues tears slowly making there way down her cheeks. " I got to the point where I just couldn't be around Luka, I felt like I had disappointed him or something. He had wanted more kids so badly after loosing his family and he was so excited... just to have it ripped away. Eventually we just stopped communicating... he tried to comfort me but after awhile I just couldn't deal. I was so afraid that I was going to relapse, I had to get away. So I left."

I sit there trying to soak in everything that she has just told me before I say anything. I know all to well what she must have been feeling even when it came to relapsing.

"Did you tell him you were leaving?" I ask softly not wanting to push her. She shakes her head no.

"I left him a note. A fucking note." she says continuing to shake her head with shame. I rub her arm letting her know it's ok to continue.

"I didn't want him to be able to stop me. I knew he would see it as running, and it was but... I HAD to leave. I would have completely ruined our relationship if I had stayed. I just needed some time to breathe, and I guess coming here and helping other people with their problems meant I didn't have to deal with mine for awhile." She says beginning to cry harder.

I pull her to me slowly and she doesn't protest. I hug her to my body and she settles in my arms, soaking my shirt with her tears. I can feel the warmness of my own tears streaming down my face. She pulls away after a few minutes and I quickly wipe my eyes, I don't want her to be worrying about me.

"You know I never wanted kids. I did, but I was just to afraid so I just pushed it aside. I didn't think I would ever be a mother, so when I found out...boy was I scared. I wasn't even sure if I was going to keep it... but I did." She pauses to wipe her eyes and compose herself. "Now I probably will never have the chance to be a mom."

"Hey, don't say that."

"It's true. I mean I'm 37 years old, the clock is ticking."

"Don't even think like that... it'll happen." I say taking her hand and giving it a squeeze. She looks up at me and wipes a tear from my eye that is threatening to fall. I shake my head and whisper a sorry but she shakes her head back at me telling me not to apologize.

"Thanks for being there for me Carter."

"Thanks for letting me."

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Alright what did you think? I think abby is older then I made her, but for story's sake she is only 37. Keep up the reviews everyone! Hope you are liking it!


	6. Closer to where I started

It had been two weeks since that night Abby bared her soul and finally opened up to me. Everything about that day had sucked, but after talking to Abby I felt a lot better... and a lot worse. The more time we spent together and the closer we became, the more I found myself craving to be around her. She had grown so much since we were together almost three years ago, and yet she still had those same qualities that made her shine. I really didn't know what to do with these feelings I was developing once again... maybe I was just missing the company of a woman, and my best friend I might add.. I hadn't talked to Abby in so long and yet it felt like we never lost touch. But was I falling in love with her again? It sure felt that way.

Sitting here in my bunk, I can't seem to do anything but stare at the paper before me. My mind is way to scattered to be writing right now, I don't know why I bothered. I rub my face with my hands feeling the scruff that I am quickly developing. I bet I look so handsome right now. ha, right. All of the sudden I jolt out of my seat at the sound of music. It sounds like drums, and maracas? I decide to step outside and check things out.

When I reach the door to the tent I walk out side and down the road following the beat. I find myself approaching something that I haven't seen the whole time I have been here. There are children dancing and laughing, some playing drums and others shaking their instruments. Abby is dancing with one of the girls, twirling her around as the girl laughs uncontrollably. Parents are smiling and clapping as they join in. I can't help but wear the biggest, goofiest smile ever. I have never seen the kids this happy and the parents as well. Abby is dressed in a flowing skirt and tank top, her hair down and sticking to her face with perspiration. She looks amazing and I can't believe what she has started here.

"Carter!" she yells never letting go of the dancing girl and waving for me to come over. I walk over smiling the whole time and one of the girls grabs my hand pulling me out to dance. I resist for a minute reminding myself that I am incapable of dancing, but I can't say no to the face before me.

After about an hour, everyone is still outside, singing and dancing to the music as the sun begins to fall. I even bring out my radio for a little american touch but I know that none of them know any of the people on the CD I am playing. Abby laughs at my attempt and I laugh at all the faces I am getting. I don't think they really know what the people are saying but they probably haven't heard music in so long that they don't care... they are loving it.

"You know your amazing right?" I whisper in Abby's ear, startling her as she turns around to face me with a questioningly look on her face.

"This whole thing, I haven't seen any of these people as happy as they are right now. This is really great." I say.

"It's really no big, I was listening to the boys playing the drums and I just grabbed the girls and we started dancing. I just wanted to cheer them up a bit. It's fun, isn't it."

"Yea it is... and they won't forget it. It seems like nothing to us but it's a big deal to them." I say and she shrugs her shoulders. "Come with me." I say taking her hand and pulling her away from the crowd. I grab the radio and drag her along up the road.

"Where are we going!" She yells trying to get me to stop but I don't, I just keep running and I have never felt like such a five year old before. I love it. When we reach the top of the hill she pauses catching her breathe before looking up at me silently asking me why the hell we were up here.

I walk over to a rock, setting the radio down gently selecting the last track and pushing the play button. She laughs for a minute, still confused and partially amused at my corniness.

"What are you doing? I thought you were having fun down there-"

"I was, and we'll go back but... I just thought I would sneak away for a minute.." I say and hold out my hand for her. She looks up at me after examining the hand laid in front of her and I can see the hesitation written in her eyes.

"For old times sake?...Come on." I say trying to keep the mood light. I'm not trying to cross any lines here. Surprisingly, she takes my hand and steps closer to me.

"I thought you hated this song." she says commenting on Lifehouse's 'everything' playing in the background.

"Oh I do...but it kinda grew on me after you played it for the...hmm... 100th time? I think it's the only song you like that doesn't have screaming in it." She swats my chest and I flinch playfully. It feels so good to be dancing with her, just holding her again. Why am I dong this to myself? I know she isn't looking for love right now, certainly not with me after our past but... damn... I just can't shake this.

"Do you ever think about what things would have been like if we had stayed together?" She asks slowly not lifting her head from my chest. It isn't until now that I even notice she has put it there. I am surprised and taken back at first as I stand there contemplating what to say.

"Umm, yea I've thought about it... have you?"

"Sometimes. Lately, being here has made me think so much about the past. How different things could have been... I don't regret ever getting pregnant, but after loosing the baby... I guess sometimes I just wish I never had gotten pregnant... does that make me a horrible person?"

"No, of course not. I mean, that's a normal reaction. It was a really painful experience that no one wants to ever go through. I know I was definitely feeling that way when Joshua died... so even if you came here to be alone, to get away from everything, you're not alone Abby." she smiles for a second before getting teary eyed and once again resting her head on my chest. I feel her wipe her tears from her cheek and I am instantly thrown back into the past. Valentines day. I was talking to Abby, telling her that she wasn't alone even if she felt that way. She had lost her first elderly patient and was pretty shaken. I remember how beautiful she was that night on the roof. I barley knew her considering that she had only been in the ER for a few weeks but there was just something about her, always was. That horrible night seems like it was just yesterday when in reality it was.. god, seven or eight years ago. I smile thinking of where I am, still with Abby. Standing here with the woman that has been pulling me in for eight years.

"I've missed this." I say barely above a whisper. I am totally freaking out all of the sudden. I can feel myself sweating like crazy and with the song ending all there is left to do is talk.

"This?" she asks stepping back a bit to look me in the eye.

"This.. us... you know just hanging out, we used to be so close I mean we did everything together." I see her smile while bowing her head a bit.

"Yea, we did... we had a lot of fun didn't we."

"Yea." I laugh until I see her smile slowly fade. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." she says looking sad and distant. I cup her cheek with my hand pulling her eyes to look into mine. I feel her almost shake under my touch and I don't know how to react to it. I find myself slowly leaning in to kiss her and I can't stop myself. Just as our lips brush she pulls away, backing up looking at me with a mixture of pain and shock. Shit.

"I'm sorry.. Carter, I can't." She says making her way down the hill.

"Abby wait!... Abby-" I say grabbing her arm and gently swinging her around to face me.

"Carter i'm sorry-"

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed that, it was stupid and rude... and we were just starting to get back to a good place. I read that wrong I'm sorry-"

"No, you didn't... I ... I feel it too. I do, but I can't do this.."

"Wait, you do?"

"Yes, I do... but now, this isn't the right time I mean I'm with Luka... or I think I am, I don't even know-" she says running her hands through her hair. I walk over and plop myself next to the radio. Can I guy screw things up anymore with one woman? I don't think it's possible. I look up and she is staring at me, I expect her to look away when our eyes meet but she doesn't.

"You know it's been... 6 years and things are still the same." I mumble. She pauses for a second but can't figure out what I'm talking about.

"What do you mean?"

"I feel like I'm right back to where I was, me and you. I'm wanting nothing more then to be with you and you are with Luka... man, I really don't like that guy." I say with a little laugh at the end as I comment on my dislike for the guy always holding her heart. I am only kidding, I do like Luka and I have much respect for him. I look up at her and she looks like she is about to die.

"Hey I was just kidding..." I say walking over and taking her hands in mine. She shakes her head knowingly but she doesn't loose her frown.

"Abby, you deserve to be happy. You know, I screwed up leaving like I did.. and you moved on, you were happy and you still can be. I'm not going to mess with things. I'm sorry." I say and she smiles wiping a tear. " I don't want this to make things weird or anything, I mean I feel like we were getting so close again I just-"

"It's ok. I just... I don't know where I am right now. Things are so-"

"I know." I say and she smiles, letting go of my hands and walking away after a minute. I walk back over sitting down when I hear her stop.

"Carter? ... It is there... I don't want you to think I don't feel it too, but I just can't act on it. Not now." She says and slowly turns around making her way back down to the camp. I sit there pondering what just happened.

I'm not sure what is worse. Being slapped in the face with the fact that I'm still in love with Abby, or the fact that she loves me too but we can't be together.

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What do you think? I was having a little writer's block on how to get this Carby action going so I hope this chapter wasn't too bad. Keep up the reviews!


	7. Kiss the rain

Sorry about the wait guys, I have been super busy this week I didn't have time to update... Hope you like it!

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The next morning I am already at the clinic by the time Abby walks in. I feel my heartbeat begin to quicken when I see her, she looks more beautiful then ever. I don't know how I got myself in this situation again, pining for Abby, a taken woman. I swear she has some pull on me. After last night I don't really know what I am suppose to do... do I go talk to her? Should a wait a while? I mean things are going to be so weird now. We were so getting so close again, just like the best friends we used to be way back, and I went and messed things up.

I decide that I should talk to her, I really don't want things to be weird and I certainly don't want to avoid each other.

"Hey." I say walking over to where she is sitting looking at a child's foot. She looks up at me and her face drops, I don't think she was expecting me to talk to her I guess.

"John... hi." She says putting down the kid's foot, placing a gauze wrap on it and standing up. We both walk outside for some privacy.

"I just.. well, I wanted to talk to you about last night. I don't want things to be awkward-"

"No, I know. I'm sorry I ran off I just kind of, I don't know, panicked." she says shrugging her shoulders. "I... I called Luka this morning." she says barely looking at me. That certainly got my attention.

"You did? Wow." She hasn't spoken to him since she got here a month ago or so and she picks this morning to call him.

"Reception was horrible but I managed to have a somewhat conversation." she says and we begin walking a bit, dodging the running children.

"What, um... what did you say?" I ask not wanting to be nosy but wanting to know so badly if she told him that I had tried to kiss her.

"I told him where I was... he flipped.-"

"Wait, I thought you said you left him a note?"

"I did, but I didn't give him specifics.. I didn't even know really I just went where they pointed. Besides I didn't want him coming after me... but anyways, I told him. His first reaction was I'm coming to get you but I told him it was a waste of time and money."

"When do you think you'll go back?"

"I don't know.. things are good, I just don't want to go back."

"Did you guys talk about the baby?"

"No, not really... I think that's a conversation left for eye to eye. " I shake my head understandingly and look up at the sky. We are both silent for a minute, almost awkwardly.

"I should get back." I say and walk away.

"Carter!" She yells. I turn around.

"I didn't say anything about...I just didn't see the point in starting a pointless argument, I mean I don't want to lie but if nothing is going to happen I don't see the point... especially right now. " I nod and keep walking. I feel like I am going to throw up. She already said nothing was going to happen, well sorta. She said she couldn't do anything right now she was with Luka. Being a guy all I heard was maybe in the future. I need to realize that she isn't mine anymore, she hasn't been for awhile and that's my own fault.

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After a few days things between Abby and I went back to normal. We had our occasional odd moment but overall we both pushed our feelings aside and acted like it wasn't there between us even though it was stronger then ever. The looks, the burning touch that shot electricity everywhere, those silent moments that you stood there contemplating whether or not you should give in and kiss them. Yea, those moments.

"Knock Knock." I hear and turn to see Abby standing at the doorway.

"Hey you."

"You wanna take a walk with me?" she asks. She doesn't look very happy.

"Sure." we walk for awhile making small talk. The heat is crazy today and I am sweating my ass off.

"I think... I think I'm gonna go back." I stop walking when I hear this. Just a few days ago she was refusing to leave.

"Really? I mean you were just saying-"

"I know. I don't want to go back, but I just feel like the longer I prolong this the harder it is going to be. I don't want to dig up harsh memories, I think I should go home and deal with this when I am feeling so strong." I nod speechless. She looks at me for a moment, almost apologetically.

"Have you arranged to leave yet?"

"No, not yet. I think I'll wait a few days at least... are you, are you ok?"

"I don't know." I say truthfully. She hangs her head and I push is back up, my hand on her chin.

"I'm glad you're going back... but... I can't say I'm not going to miss you, and I can't say I don't want to keep you around." I say looking in her eyes. She knows what I mean. She places her hand on mine still resting on her cheek and pulls it away as she brings me into a hug. I hug her tightly, and she does the same holding onto the back of my neck for dear life.

All of the sudden I jump, feeling a drop of water on my shoulder. Abby jumps too at my reaction and we both look up to see rain starting to fall. She has the biggest smile as I hold a wow face, my mouth wide open. It hasn't rained in forever, no wonder it was so hot today. A storm was coming. She laughs and holds her hands out, taking in the fresh water. I just sit and laugh at her inner child coming out.

"I can't believe this!" She says as it begins to pouring. She starts twirling around and running through puddles that are forming and all I can do is laugh. She notices, and runs over grabbing my hand as I pull back.

"What are you doing!"

"Come on! Live a little!" she yells back at me. We run back into the village hoping to catch the reactions of the children. They haven't seen rain in weeks, maybe months. As we reach the skirts of the camp I let go of her hand stopping in my tracks as she continues on not noticing. I feel like I am suddenly hit with a ton of bricks. She stops, realizing I am not following her and walks back to me.

"Are you ok?" I just look up at her and her expression changes from curiosity to worry. "Carter?"

"Why are you leaving?" I ask not lifting my head to meet her eyes.

"Carter.. I can't stay here forever... I mean you were the one encouraging me to go back." I hear this, and I know she is right, she has to leave and deal with her problems, but that doesn't fix this pain forming in my chest or the rock sitting in my throat. I look at her for a minute and then walk away.

"Carter!" she yells but I keep walking. She runs after me catching my arm. "Carter! Come on don't walk away... I can't stay here-"

"I know that Abby. Ok, I know." I say and keep walking

"Carter, I'm sorry, I know this is hard but-"

"Abby I know you have to go, I know you have to go back to Luka and, and you guys have to deal with everything but that doesn't mean that I have to like it!"

"That isn't fair! You know I don't want to leave, but you can't expect me to stay and you certainly can't expect me to just jump into a relationship with you, especially right now! Do you even realize what you are asking of me!" I look at her, ashamed almost because I know I am being an idiot. I can't help it though, I love her. I do, and I don't want to loose her... then I realize that I don't even have her.

"I'm sorry."

"God, John.. do you think that this is one sided? That I just don't care about you, cause I do. You aren't the only one hurting, this sucks for me too ok but I have never been so confused before. The only way to sort all of this out is to go home. I have to talk to Luka."

"So then what? You guys talk... and what? You get back together.. or stay together. Whatever it is. Or do you come back here?"

"I don't know. I can't answer that until I talk to him."

"Are you going to tell him you have feelings for me?"

"I don't know what I am going to say to him Carter, I mean there are much more things we need to discuss first." I nod, I know that. I know they have much more important concerns then me but I can't help but be selfish right now.

"I love you... you know that right?" she starts to tear up as the rain continues to pour.

"I know." she whispers, tears falling. I reach for her hand slowly and she allows me to intertwine our fingers together. I begin pulling her closer to me slowly, she resists a bit but over all gives in. I know I am being cruel and I shouldn't be doing this but I want it so badly I just don't listen to myself. I touch my forehead to hers and rub our heads together softly.

"John, I-"

"Shh." I whisper and she stops talking and leans up kissing me. It starts slow, full of passion and desire and soon becomes more intense. As our kiss begins to deepen more and more I feel her relaxing, letting go and letting herself enjoy something she shouldn't be. My hands roam her hair and cheeks and she keeps a tight grip on my shoulders. Suddenly she pulls back. She looks horrified. Like she just killed someone or something and I know what she is thinking. She is beating herself up inside for allowing herself to give in when it should be me that is ashamed. I keep pushing this on her and it's not fair.

"I can't do this." she says walking away not even looking at me. I pause for a minute debating, but I don't go after her this time, I know she is right and I am not helping. I see her stop short and place her hands on her knees leaning over. She starts to sway off balance and I run over to her worried.

"Are you ok?"

"Yea, I just... I don't feel so good." she says. I notice that she appears to have a rash on her shoulder that I hadn't noticed earlier, you can see it now that she is bending over. I also know she must feel pretty bad if she is talking to me and letting me help her.

"You don't look so good." I say steading her.

"My head really hurts all of the sudden and I just feel really weak... I'm sure it's nothing."

"Did you eat today?"

"Yea.. I.."

"Abby? Ab?" I say grabbing her tighter as she gets weaker. "Lets get you back." I say and she leans into me before falling completely into my arms, fainting.

"Abby!" I yell and shake her a bit but I don't get a response. I scoop her up carrying her back as fast as I can noticing that she has a strong fever as her forehead brushes my hand... something is really wrong.

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Let me know what you think!


	8. Competitors unite

"Dakari!" I yell running towards the clinic tent. He is standing outside talking to one of the nurses when he sees me.

"What happened! Is that Abby?" he asks as we get closer.

"I don't know somethings wrong she just passed out, she has a fever." I say as he takes her from me before I drop her out of exhaustion and we run towards the empty bed. He gets a flashlight, checking her eyes and then her throat. I start explaining what happened, describing her symptoms as I start an IV. I start to inject her with some anti-pyretics but Dakari stops me.

"No, don't."

"What do you mean don't?"

"Here use this, that stuff won't help." he says walking over to the bin and grabbing a vial I have never used before.

"Why... what is it?" I say nervously. Her fever is high, really high, but it isn't malaria... it was too sudden.

"You said headaches, and muscle weakness, a rash?"

"Yea everything was really sudden. I never even noticed the rash."

"I think.. I think it's Dengue."

"What! We haven't seen that in Darfur in so long, especially with the lack of rain." I say unconvinced. Dengue is a hemorrhagic fever caused by a mosquito bite. It is pretty common in Africa but not in our area. Not to mention that Abby had all of her shots.

"She could have gotten it in town, it takes awhile to show up. Besides she probably didn't think much of a mosquito bite."

"She had all her shots though, she said-"

"It doesn't matter. Look, John the vaccines we are given are for two types of Dengue... there are four known types now." I sit down placing my head in my hand after hearing this. How is this happening?

"How bad is it, I mean shouldn't she be waking up or something?" I ask. I don't really know much about Dengue because I have never had to deal with a patient infected by it.

"Her fever is probably keeping her in an induced coma, if we can get it down she will probably come to... but there is no guarantees Joh-"

"What do you mean, you think.. no-"

"We have to keep her fluids in check and she should be fine... the chances of it becoming life threatening are slim but it is serious. She needs to be watched, she.. she could hemorrhage, that would be worse case scenario."

"Uh...man, alright I'll watch her." I say grabbing her hand and rubbing her cheek. She is extremely hot and clammy.

"She'll be ok John." he says resting his hand on my shoulder. Dakari isn't stupid, he has noticed what has been going on with us lately and he knows how much I care about her. I can only hope that this passes without complication.

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It has been three days since Abby collapsed and she hasn't fully awoken. Dakari said it can take a full week for the fever to truly break but I am getting more worried by the minute. I have been sitting by here as much as I can, making sure that I am there when she comes to for the 10 minutes that she does. She is so weak and tired it breaks my heart watching her laying there helpless.

"How is she doing?" Dakari asks walking into the corner room where we are.

"She stayed awake for awhile and talked to me, that's a good sign yea?"

"Yea that's great maybe the fever will break soon."

"It's been three days-"

"Give it time... she is doing quite well I think she is in the clear." he says patting me on the back and walking out. I turn my attention back to Abby who appears to be waking a bit. She blinks for a minute and looks over at me. I brush her hair back and squeeze her hand gently letting her know I am here.

"Hi." she whispers.

"Hi... how do you feel?"

"Like shit." she says simply and I smile.

"You are doing really good... don't exert yourself." I say noticing her trying to sit up. I don't really even need to say anything because she can't lift herself. She sighs frustrated with herself and this situation that has been forced upon her. I explained what Dengue was and she said that she did remember getting bit but didn't think anything of it.

"Why am I not getting any better? I can't seem to stay awake."

"It takes a good week or so.. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to sit here with me-"

"Oh no, not getting rid of me...sorry." I joke and she smiles, or attempts to. I rub her forehead, leaning down to place a soft kiss on her brow. She brings her hand up to my face and I place my hand on top of it holding it there because she doesn't have the strength. Soon enough she is closing her eyes again.

I decide to take a walk, getting some air while she is sleeping. I am not prepared for what happens next however. Right before me stands someone I hoped to avoid for a long time. A co-worker, an old friend, my competition.

"Luka?"

"Carter!" he says turning around and walking towards me. He was wondering around looking for someone... I can only guess who.

"What are you doing here?" I ask looking back and forth, hoping Dakari doesn't come over and say the wrong thing.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were.. well never mind, I'm looking for Abby.. I was told she was here?"

"Yea she is but.."

"I came to talk to her...to bring her home." he says sternly and I just stare at him. So much for no complications.

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Thanks so much for the reviews guys! This chapter was a little shorter then I would have liked but it was more of a transition chapter, next update will be much more involved!

Also, Dengue Fever is real and typical in Africa but I don't know if all my info is accurate, it's just for the story.


	9. Hold my future in your heart

Thanks for the reviews guys, I have been trying to respond to all of them but if I haven't gotten to you, sorry about that. I have been really busy. haha. Hope you like it!

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As I stand in the doorway, I can see Luka sitting next to Abby holding her hand. I didn't think it was going to be this hard to see them together, I mean I already knew that they were technically still together but I wasn't prepared for the kick in the stomach. After I told him that she was sick he demanded he see her and I brought him back to the clinic. He didn't say much, didn't even ask what was wrong with her, the only thing he asked was for me to leave them alone. So I left. It's been an hour now and he still hasn't said anything.

"Luka?" I ask entering slowly. He looks up but doesn't say anything for a minute.

"Why didn't you call me… I had the right to know."

"I don't think it's serious… she should be fine within a few days… besides I didn't know if she wanted you here." I try to say as gently as possible.

"What is it?" he says after a minute.

"Dengue.. it's a type of fever transmitted through mosquito bite. She has been doing really well, it just takes a good week for it to wear off."

"I should arrange for her to go home." He says standing up from his chair.

"What! She can't even stay awake for 10 minutes how do you expect her to travel 17 hours to Chicago?"

"Well, she can't stay here! She's sick… you guys did it for me, why shouldn't I do it for her, what if she takes a turn for the worst? What are you going to do here?"

"She won't… look Luka, you were way worse then this, it has already been four days, she would have gotten worse by now and she hasn't... she could be fine tomorrow."

"She shouldn't have come here in the first place." He mumbles under his breath like I can't hear him.

"She needed some time…" I start to say but he snaps his head up looking at me and I stop.

"I realize that, but running away didn't erase everything.. you know Abby, she doesn't like to face her problems, she doesn't like to be comforted… but this was the time when she needed to do both of those things, I just wish she would have stayed and we could have helped each other through this," he says pausing every once in awhile almost like he was replaying the events in his mind. "I really needed her to be there."

"I'm sure you did, I mean… losing a child, nothing is harder. But you're right I do know Abby, and so do you. She has her own way of dealing with things, and coming here… getting away well that was her way... I know how she feels-"

"Don't man ok- just, I have heard that a million times already, 'I know how you feel Luka.' Well, it doesn't help it just makes it worse." He says looking torn apart inside.

He sits back down resting his elbows on the bed and placing his head in his hands. I have never seen him look so broken. I wonder if I looked like this. I decide being here is way to awkward and I am just making him upset so I turn to leave.

"Carter?"

"Yea?" I say stopping.

"What are you doing here?" he asks curiously. "I mean, I got the postcard and everything so I knew you were here but… what happened to kem?"

"Just didn't work out." I say simply and walk out.

The next morning I walk into Abby's room hoping for a minute alone to talk to her but Luka is already in there… actually I don't think he had left the previous night.

"She hasn't woken up yet." He says as if he can see me standing behind him.

"Yea it isn't unusual. She will probably come to sometime today."

"I called the program, I had to lie and say I was her brother.. that there was a death in the family for them to tell me anything… she just left without telling me." He says after moments of silence. So that's how he found out... he must have been trying for awhile.

"I know… she told me." I say feeling ashamed that I know all of this man's personal business.

"How has she been?"

"Good, she has been really good… she uh, I think she was really coping with everything, she said she was thinking of going back." I say hoping to cheer him up and not knowing why. I mean this is the man who holds Abby's heart. Well I know why, I feel guilty.

"Well maybe I should take her home then I mean I know you said-"

"No. Luka you should really wait-"

"Why? You just said.."

"I know. I just, I think it would be worse for her to travel right now. Besides she would be angry if you tried to force her home, she wouldn't go. Just wait until she is awake and feeling better."

"Well I –"

"Luka?" Abby says catching our attention. We didn't realize she had woken up… she looks pissed.

"You're awake!" he says grabbing her hand. She looks confused.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to talk to you… I was going to try and convince you to come back home with me… but Carter told me you were sick."

"I told you not to come after me." She whispers weakly.

"I know but-"

"I just needed some time Luka-"

"I know, I know… but Carter said you were thinking of coming home?" That jackass. Abby shoots me a look at I cringe inside. Oops.

"I don't know." She says. "But I do know that you didn't need to come all the way here.. And I'm fine… I don't need to be brought home." She says almost to say haha I heard you idiots.

"Abby I think-"

"I'll be fine Luka… and I wish you guys wouldn't sit here and argue when I am laying right here… I'm not dead you know." She says dismissively and he doesn't press it any further. After a quite uncomfortable half hour Abby is sleeping again and we step outside.

"Why didn't you send her back when she got here, this place is way to dangerous.. you of all people know that. I seem to remember when we were in the congo, all you did was talk about how you would never let Abby come over here."

"She is a big girl Luka, I don't think it would have gotten me far to try and convince her to leave. And I did tell her it was dangerous… but she needed to get away. She needed time alone."

"What she needed was to be home, grieving… not here with you in the middle of a genocide." He spits but then softens his expression. He is angry, I don't blame him.. he has been through a lot. But he knows that no one could have forced Abby to do something she didn't want to.

"Just give it a few days… when she gets better, which she WILL then you guys can talk… but coming at her right now isn't smart." I say trying to help her more then him. She doesn't need the stress right now. He nods in agreement and walks off.

I sit there for a minute pondering what the next few days might hold. Abby should be back on her feet and that means she is going to have to face Luka, not that she wasn't planning on it already… but I think it is me who isn't ready for that. What if she goes back, or worse… what if she stays there.

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Please review!


	10. Release

Thanks so much for the reviews guys! I love reading your comments!

This chapter is a little different because I chose to do it as Abby's POV instead of Carter for once. Hope you like it.

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After nine days, my fever finally broke and I was slowly getting back to my old self. It was so hard and frustrating lying in that bed not being able to do anything but sleep, and then to have Luka show up... I wasn't really in the best mood. It was good to see him, I won't lie, but as soon as I saw his tall figure standing over me, all those feelings came rushing back... and not the good ones. I thought I had come so far, that I was ready to go back to the states and face the life and people I had left behind but now I'm not so sure. I just wish that he would have stayed in Chicago like I had asked, I can't have him coming over here and pushing me to come home. Not to mention how incredibly awkward it has been between Carter and I with him around. I just don't know if telling him about us is the best thing at this moment- wait, did I just say us? I don't even know if there is an us... things have been so crazy around here that Carter and I haven't had much time to talk and I have been avoiding it at all costs.

I am walking down the road, watching the children running and playing kickball when I notice Luka approaching from the opposite direction. I can feel the blood start to rush and my heart quicken. I can't help but find myself incredibly nervous of what our conversation might start.

"Hi, I've been looking everywhere for you." he says as we cross paths and he joins me, walking the opposite way.

"I just needed some thinking time." I say and he nods.

"You mind if I join? I was kind of hoping we could talk." ek. talk? Well, I can't run forever.

"Umm... sure, you want to go sit down?" I ask and direct us towards the cliff. We sit down at the top looking out at the evening sky setting on this small village.

"Soo..?" I say after a minute of silence. This is going to be hard to start this conversation, I mean what do I say?

"Abby.. I, I don't understand... why here? Why did you leave?" he asks and I inhale deeply, I guess we aren't beating around the bush tonight.

"I had to. I know you don't understand and you may never, but coming here was a release. I needed to get away from chicago and all the reminders. I was so sick of people asking how I was and having to think about the... the baby."

"So was I, but I didn't come to Darfur! I mean.." he says yelling a bit and then lowering his voice. "I just wished that you would have stayed, what happened... well, we could have been there for each other, I really needed you there." he says and I feel a touch of guilt wash over me.

"I'm sorry... I know what I did sucked, but you know that I couldn't stay there. I was killing us, I mean it was too hard to look at you everyday and know how much I had disappointed you." I say sadly and his head shoots up looking at me with disbelief.

"What are you talking about?"

"Luka, I know how much you wanted kids, especially after loosing your other children and-"

"Abby that was not your fault, and either was loosing this baby. It just happened... I knew how much you wanted to have the baby too." he says and I smile through my tears.

"I really did, as scared as I was... I still wanted nothing more." I say as I brush the tears from my face. There is a moment of silence and I feel like I can finally breathe. I am glad that I agreed to sit and talk with him, I really needed to get this off my chest, I needed to know he didn't blame me.

"Have you thought anymore about coming back with me?" he asks cautiously. I pause thinking of what to say... have I thought about it? Only all the time, and yet, I still don't know what I want.

"Luka..."

"Abby I really want you to come back with me. We still have so much to deal with and so much to talk about and I think we should do it at home. Being here and running away isn't going to help you-"

"It did help me!" I yell back a little offended at his harmless lecture. "Look I know you think it was horrible for me to run off like that, and I know you are hurt and angry but you can't just ride in here on your white horse and scoop me up-"

"That isn't what I am trying to do."

"Well that's what it feels like. I just... I need to know that when I get on that plane heading home that I am ready and I'm doing it for me, not cause I am feeling pressured or I was pushed into it cause I'm not going to go home to just leave again. I have to be ready."

"I thought you were planning on coming home anyways before you got sick!"

"I was Luka! But something... look, I was really considering it. I mean I had decided that I was leaving, but you coming here and talking about all of this... I just don't want you trying to push this on me."

"I'm not trying to, but I won't say that I don't want you to come home with me. It's dangerous over here Abby, it's not some tropical vacation, I certainly don't want to leave you here."

"I have been doing fine over here, besides you came over here... a few times, so don't preach to me!"

"Would you stop getting so defensive! Look.. I just, I care about you," he says softening his tone. "I don't want you getting hurt and... I really need you at home, for me... for us... is there even an us anymore?" he says and it is me who shoots up to look at him. I don't know what to say.

"Luka-"

"I love you Abby, nothing has changed that. I know that we grew closer a lot more because of the baby but I don't want to throw this away because we lost our son."

"I don't either... but, I... I just don't know right now."

"You don't know?" he says offended and hurt.

"Luka, I care about you so much, you know that. But I really just need some time to think about things."

"Time? Abby... what about this past month?" he asks, sadness in his voice.

"I know... I know. I just don't know what I want or need anymore. I'm sorry." there is a long period of silence following my words and I try to think of a way of explaining my actions. I want him to understand why I had to come here and why it has helped me so much.

"I have been doing so well over here, ya know? Being here, helping these people has put so many things into perspective. When I got here I was so lost and I knew that all I was doing was running from my problems. But, after awhile it changed..." I pause and I see he is listening but he won't look at me."... Carter has really helped me through this, I mean I can relate to him so much because he went through the same thing... he really helped me work through my fears and problems. I finally opened up and talked about things and- "

"You always did go to Carter." he says almost smugly and I instantly feel upset. Partly because John has been such a great friend to me thought this and partly because what Luka is saying is true. I always did open up to Carter more then anyone else.

"Luka, that's not fair. It's not like I ran to him.. I didn't even know he was here."

"I didn't mean it like that.."

"I just want you to know what I have been doing here and understand that being here has helped me a lot. I guess... the thought of leaving that scared me, and I want you to know I'm not just avoiding things.. or you, but... I don't know if I am ready to leave."

"I'm not going to say that I agree with it but I can understand... I just want you to think about it. That's all I ask. Think about coming home." he says looking me deep in the eyes and I nod.

"I will." I say and he leans over and kisses me lightly and quickly on the lips. I don't have much of a chance to respond before he pulls back but I don't stop him from doing it. It almost feels good to be close to him again, I also don't know how he would react if I shoved him off.

He stands up, brushing off his shorts and walking back down to the camp. I sit there replaying our conversation over and over and I realize how far and how little we had gotten. We still had so much to talk about and deal with. And, wow did I have some serious thinking to do.

'_is there an us?'_

_'think about coming home.'_

_'you always did go to carter.'_

Carter. There was a another issue I had to face. I was falling in love with Carter again and I didn't know what to do. I had been down that road, and god it was wonderful but it was also incredibly painful. Was I ready to try that again? Was I ready to say goodbye to Luka and walk away from everything this past year had given me?

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Soo... what did you think?


	11. Fork in the road

Thanks for the reviews guys! This chapter is a lot of dialogue hope it isn't confusing. Back to Carter's POV.

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It is early morning and everyone is out and about as I make my way through the grounds to find Abby. We haven't been able to really talk much with Luka here and I really need to see her. I still don't really know what is going on with us, what she is feeling or what she has said to Luka. Every time I see him I wonder if I should be expecting a fist to my jaw.

As I make my way towards her tent I see her exiting heading towards the clinic I presume.

"Hey." I say and she stops looking up at me.

"Hey." she says and we stare at each other for a moment.

"I was wondering if we could talk?"

"Umm... not really, I was heading down to the-"

"Just for a minute? We haven't really been able to talk."

"I know... it's been kind of crazy... I guess I have a few minutes she says." We walk for awhile, down to the ends of the camp for some privacy. The roads are bare and it looks like a desert.

"Have you talked with him?" I ask as we walk together slowly.

"You mean about leaving or about you?" she says smugly. She knows I am dying to know how much he knows about Abby and I.

"Both." I say sheepishly.

"We talked a little bit yesterday. I told him that I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave, that... yea, I was planning on it. But I just don't know now.. I didn't tell him it was because of... you."

"Is it?" I ask curious. She hasn't really told me how she feels... I have been the one spilling my guts.

"Partly... I mean being here has helped me so much, I'm not sure I want to leave that all behind... and I KNOW I don't want to leave my best friend." she says entangling my hand in hers. I look up at her, sad almost. This is like torture.

"Friend?... Have you even told Luka anything?"

"No, not really. I just told him that we had gotten close again... I don't want to hurt him."

"So you'd rather hurt me?" I say harshly and release my hand from hers.

"What! Of course not.. but Luka, Carter it's like I cheated on him or something... I just, I don't know how to tell him, or what to tell him for that matter. I mean it's not like you and I are together-"

"Then what are we Abby? I love you, I want us to be together-"

"I love you too... but I don't know what I want. I have loved you for years but that doesn't change the fact that we just didn't work together... how would it be any different this time!"

"You know it would... we both have changed so much, and now we are stronger and closer then we were years ago, I didn't think that was possible. If you didn't think something was there you would have left already." I spat and start to pace.

"I know there is something there... I feel it every time I am with you, but hell there has been something there since we met. That doesn't mean we are good for each other, I mean who are we kidding, look how we ended up last time!"

"It was different then!"

"You're right it was! We were miserable!" she yells and I feel a pang in my heart. She has never come out and told me she was miserable with me, and I know that isn't exactly what she means. We weren't miserable being together, we were miserable with ourselves and the crazy lives we had.

"That's the difference," she continues " that we were miserable then and now I am happy. Everything that I have been through these past couple of months has brought me down but it's made me stronger too... this past year I was so happy...with Luka. And you are acting like I am stupid for not wanting to leave that. For wanting to stay with the person that has made me happy, happier then I have been in so long. Someone that I make happy too, because we both know I could never seem to make you happy."

"I am not trying to say you are stupid for wanting to be happy Abby, I would never say that. and you did make me happy, jesus I wanted to marry you!"

"Well it didn't turn out that way did it." she says under her breathe, I choose to ignore that comment and continue on.

"I just think you are making a mistake staying with Luka... you just said you don't want to leave him because you guys were happy together this past year, but you have yet to say that you love him. Have you ever thought that he made you happy because of the baby? As soon as that baby was gone you wanted nothing to do with him!" I yell over stepping my bounds greatly.

"How dare you. You know nothing about our relationship." She yells.

"I know what it was like before. You were never happy with him Abby, because you didn't love him-"

"Excuse me!-"

" or maybe you did but it wasn't like me and you. We have always had that connection, that chemistry that won't go away and you know it. We didn't have the best relationship before, I know that. I know what went wrong and so do you, and I know that we have changed, that we could be something really great. Just give us a chance." she just stares at me angry and confused.

"Can you really leave with him and walk away from this without a blink of an eye. If you can tell me that you don't love me-"

"It's never been about loving you carter!"

"Well can you get on that plane and never look back? You don't think you won't wake up someday and regret it? Regret not giving it one more try... cause I know I'll regret it if I don't fight with all I have to keep you here." I say raising my voice at first and then lowering it. She just looks at me tears in her eyes. "stop thinking about the past Abby, we aren't those people anymore... I ... I know you, I know what you are doing, you're thinking with your head, you are trying to be rational and go with the safe route but don't! What does your heart say?"

"I don't know!" she yells tears streaming. "I don't know what I want!"

"Yes you do! Stop thinking about other people, stop thinking about me and him, what do you want?"

"It isn't that simple carter! It doesn't matter what I do either way I am going to hurt someone!"

"Yea you are, and it sucks. But you know someone is going to get hurt either way. So why are you doing this? Why are you running from what you want?"

"You are some kind of fucking cocky Carter! Why do you just assume that I want to be with you so bad? You act like Luka doesn't mean anything to me... like i'll just die if I'm not with you!"

"Well I know I'll die if you leave." I whisper and her face crumbles. "I'm not trying to act cocky, I don't want to come across that way you know that isn't what I mean. I just know that you are leaning towards leaving with him... you don't have to say it cause I can read it in your eyes. I know you Ab, and I know us and everything that we have felt this past couple of weeks. You are avoiding putting yourself out there again and being vulnerable because you're scared that we will fall apart like before, you would rather stay with him and be safe and know you can still be happy... but you won't be fully happy if you walk away from us. We won't fall apart this time... we won't." I say brushing her cheek with my hand and pushing back tears that threaten to fall from my eyes. She lets me for a minute before pushing my hand away and walking off.

"Abby-"

"Don't... I just need some time." She says holding her hand up telling me to stay there and then turning around in mid sentence and continuing on.

"Don't do it...don't run." I whisper to myself. I don't think there is much left I can say to convince her to stay, if she wants to leave and be with him It's just something I'll have to respect...I just hope I can handle watching her walk away.

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Pretty intense chapter, lots of fighting and drama. haha. But hope you liked it. Please review!


	12. Decisions

Thanks for reviewing! This chapter is really short, the next chapter is going to be much longer I promise... I switched back and forth on POV's. Sorry if it's confusing.

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I wake up the next morning, rolling over on my side and grabbing my watch that lies on the table. 6:13am. I couldn't sleep at all last night, everything that was said between Carter and I just kept replaying through my mind over and over like a broken record. I knew that he loved me, I knew that somehow I would always loved him... but I still wasn't convinced that us getting back together was a good idea. We have changed sure, but I still have my family, he still wants to "help" me.. how much have things changed?And then there's Luka. We had gotten a lot closer, and then that one night... and I was pregnant. Did I love him? I wasn't sure. I cared for him deeply, he was a great friend but I wasn't convinced it was love, not like it was with Carter. Still, I wasn't going to walk away from him if I was unsure, and I wasn't going to stay with Carter is I wasn't sure as well. I was about to hurt someone enormously, I had to be careful with my choice, I had to be sure.

Two hours later I found myself sitting on my bed, taking everything in. I was so confused, I hated Carter for putting me in this position but I knew I had no one to blame but myself. I let myself feel something when I shouldn't have. I knew what I had to do, I just hoped I had the strength to go through with it.

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Making my way through the crowded clinic I reach the door stepping outside for some air. I was up all night thinking about my argument with Abby and then I was woken to care for another malaria case. I am tired and miserable.

I look up to see Abby walking towards me. She has a backpack on her back and she looks like she got as much sleep as I did.

"Hi, are you busy?" she asks.

"No.. what's up?" I say stepping away from the door for some privacy.

"Umm.. I.. we need to talk."

"Look Abby I'm sorry about yesterday and the things I said, I was out of line." I say and she looks like she about to cry.

"Are you ok?" I ask worried and I bring my hands to her face but she pushes them away. She looks up at me and when we make eye contact my heart drops. "Are you sure?" I say after a minute of trying to compose myself.

"Yea... I've been up all night thinking. I, I'm really confused right now Carter and I just don't know what to do. I can't stay here... I can't leave my life behind on a I don't know. I have to go back."

"So.. thats it then?" I say not looking at her, bitter.

"I don't know.. I just know I have to go back and deal with everything. I can't stay here and run anymore-"

"Isn't that what you are doing right now... running from me."

"No! That's not what I'm doing. But even if I chose to start something with us I still have to go back, at least for a little while. I have so many other things to deal with first and you know it. I'm not saying I'm going back to Luka-"

"Sure seems like that's what your saying, I mean have you said anything to him about me! Does he even know Abby? No he doesn't, he thinks you are going back with HIM...to be with him."

"I already told Luka I didn't know what I wanted... he knows Carter, and I'm not going to lead him on so just stop-"

"So what are you going to do when you get there? I mean will I ever hear from you again or is this it?"

"Of course you'll hear from me, Carter... this isn't goodbye I just-"

"It's goodbye Abby... you know it is."

"No it's not, please-" she says stepping closer but I back away.

"No, I can't- I... I'm sorry but I can't, I won't say goodbye to you. I told you I couldn't watch you leave and I won't."

"John please, try to understand-" she says trying to grab my hand but I won't let her. I can't, I feel like I'm spinning, I think I might puke.

"I don't." I say and turn around to walk back inside.

"John, wait!" she says pulling me around, she is crying... heavily and I don't understand more and more as we stand here why she is doing this. I can see she is dying, and I feel like this goodbye she wants so bad is more for her, to know I will be ok and that she is making the right decision.. but I won't give her that. I don't think she is.

She holds her grip on my arm and I just stare at her. I have all I can do from taking her in my arms but it would be too painful. She wipes a tear from her eye and then kisses me, hard on the lips and I reciprocate not being able to stop myself.

"I love you." she whispers into my ear and then turns around walking away, or more like running. I stand there dumb-struck not knowing what to do. Not knowing if I will ever see her again.

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I run back to my tent hysterical. I can't stop chocking on my own sobs and I suddenly feel like I am making the wrong choice. I can't turn around though, even if right now I decided I wanted to be with Carter, I know I still have to go home. I have to deal with work, and my responsibilities there. I have to figure out what to tell Luka, I have to visit the grave of my son. I have to go back to my life and stop running.

"Knock Knock." I hear Luka say and I quickly brush my tears.

"You ok?" he asks concerned, I'm sure my face is still really blotchy.

"Yea, I just was saying goodbye."

"I'm sorry... you are doing the right thing Abby." he says trying to comfort me but all he is doing is furthering my doubts.

"Hope so." I say to myself and grab my bags.

As I walk outside I look around at everyone. I will never experience anything like this again. The people and culture here are amazing, it made me open my eyes so much. As I get into the jeep I picture myself jumping out, running to Carter and never looking back. But I don't, and I know I wouldn't. Once again my head threw my heart into defeat.

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Alright don't hate me, this IS a CARBY but I had to add some drama to keep the story going. I'm gonna move things back to chicago for a few chapters, gotta deal with the baby and Luka. Keep reviewi


	13. Strength

Thanks for the reviews everyone! I changed one thing, Susan never left. I wanted to have her in the story for Abby.

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The whole flight home I have been in a daze. 18 hours of thinking, not recommended. My thoughts traveled from yea Abby you are doing the right thing, to what the hell am I doing running away from the love of my life, to well Luka is a good guy let's not make things complicated, to maybe the plane will crash and I won't have a chance to worry about this situation. I needed off that plane.

Now we are back in chicago, riding back to my apartment, well Luka's.. our ours? I don't know, we are going to 143 elm st... who lives there, who knows. As we drive by the smog filled street I wish nothing more then to be back in Africa, away from this place and the memories that haunt me here. I know I can't run forever, that I need to get back to the life I left behind and stop hiding but that doesn't make it any easier.

"I'll get the bags if you want to head in." Luka says throwing the key my way and climbing out of the car. I catch it and follow. I try to get some of the bags but when he refuses I don't argue, who the hell wants to carry a 50 lb. bag if they don't have to?

As I walk into the apartment, I can see that nothing has changed. It is amazing what happens after the woman leaves the house. Luka's apartment definitely wreaks of bachelor living. I throw the key on the table and start to walk down the hall to the bathroom when I stop. I have reached the nursery door and I can't bring myself to walk away so I open the door slowly, my whole body shaking. I walk inside taking in the blue painted walls and half built crib that lies before me. There are toys piled in a basket, boxs of gifts everywhere. I pick up a small teddy bear on the floor and I loose it. I slide down the wall my insides melting and my lungs coming up into my throat.

"Abby?" I hear Luka's voice and I shoot my head up surprised and embarrassed almost to be seen so broken. He walks over to me and takes me in his arms. I can't handle it, I can't stop crying. I thought that I had dealt with this and I could handle coming home, but being in this room... seeing what I missed out on. I don't know if I am strong enough yet.

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The next day I drive over to County with Luka hoping to see Susan. I really have been missing her, she is the only person I kept in contact with when I was in Africa but she still doesn't know about Carter and I... and I definitely need some advice from a mutual friend to us all.

When I walk inside I am instantly swarmed with welcome backs and how are you's. I don't ignore them but my heart isn't in small talk right now. I leave the gossiping nurses to go in search for Susan. I find her in the lounge filling out some charts and she jumps up, smiling and squealing when she finally sees me standing there.

"Abby!" she yells pulling me into a hug. "When did you get back you didn't tell me you were coming home!"

"I know.. it was a VERY last minute decision... I just had to come home and sort through some things." she nods sadly and pulls me into another hug.

"I'm so glad you're home, it hasn't been the same without you here."

"Thanks, I have missed this crappy place." I joke and she laughs before her pager goes off. I really have missed working and being here, but I miss the way it used to be. Not the way it was when I left.

"We have so much to talk about! I'll call you tonight." She yells walking out.

"We really do!" I yell back.

I walk back out into the admission area and search for Luka, I really want to get out of here before I run into Kerry. I am not ready to come back to work yet and I know she is going to force me back.

"Luka, can we get out of here?" I say approaching him at the desk.

"Yea, just let me get everyone on track." I nod and walk outside to wait for him. I walk down to the river sitting at our bench, not mine and Luka's. Mine and Carter's. As I sit down, I sigh. Why did I come here? This just makes me think more of him and I am already missing him enough. It's weird, he was gone for more then a year and I missed him sure, but it wasn't like this. Seeing him again caused so many feelings to resurface, feelings I thought that I had securely buried the day I saw him walk in with Kem. I hated him that day, I was so happy to see him home and safe but I wanted nothing more then to murder him for walking in like everything was fine. It wasn't fine.

"Are you ready?" I hear Luka ask and I turn to face him. I nod and follow him back to the car.

Driving along I can't get my mind off of Carter. I am really crumbling here, the only thing that has made me smile is Susan. I need him to be here, supporting me and walking me through this. I know that isn't going to happen, I have to do this myself and it's pretty stupid of me to even be thinking it considering I left him. I was so unsure when I was in Africa, I didn't want to throw away my relationship with Luka because we had been through so much and I knew I was too confused and unsure to make such a big decision. When I was there I knew that I loved Carter, that I was IN love with him but whether we should do something about it... that wasn't something I wasn't so sure of. Now being here, away from him, not seeing him and talking to him everyday... I just want to go back and be with him. I want everything to be simple again. All I ever want is simplicity but my life is always tainted with complication.

"Where are we going?" I ask realizing that we passed the apartment and are heading in the wrong direction.

"Somewhere." he replies simply. I start thinking of the places he could be going but I don't know anywhere that is in this direction... except one thing. "Pull over."

"Abby-"

"Luka pull over! Now!"

"No! Look we need to do this, you need to do this!"

"No, no I don't... I'm not ready for this. You can't just bring me here what is the matter with you, why wouldn't you even talk to me about this!" I yell at him, unbuckling as he pulls into the driveway of the cemetery. I jump out running in the other direction and he runs after me grabbing my arm.

"Abby I'm sorry I didn't say anything but I knew you would never agree! I really think you should do this, you need to say goodbye, you need to grieve!"

"I will, when I'm ready!-"

"Will you ever be ready!" I pause.. probably not. That doesn't mean he is going to make me walk over there. "Abby, please... I'm worried about you."

I don't say anything, I just stand there looking at him for a minute.

"You aren't the only one who lost someone. You just left, you didn't even give me a goodbye. You took off leaving me shattered and broken... I had my time to heal when you were gone, It hurt like hell but I pulled through and I still have to force myself to get up everyday. But you, you just keep running, you won't let yourself give in and grieve for him! Abby you need to, you are killing yourself-"

"Would you stop worrying about me! I can handle myself Luka, I'm not five. Besides this isn't the same for you as it is me, It isn't like I already lost two children, you're a fucking pro by now!" I yell back and instantly regret it. His face freezes in shock and I stand there mouth wide open. I am the biggest scumbag ever.

"Luka, I'm-"

"Forget it Abby. I'm done trying." he says walking away. I see where he is headed and I follow. I have to do this, for me, for him, for Joey. He pauses as he reaches the tiny gravestone, brushing his hair back and placing his hands at his sides. I reach out and place my hand on his shoulder, he jumps at first until he sees its me. I know he wasn't expecting me to follow.

I leave his side walking over and sitting down, leaning against the stone before me. Joseph Eric Kovach. I cringe when I notice there is no date. He had no life, he died the day he was born. How can life be so cruel. Without noticing tears start streaming down my face as I sit talking to this granite slab. This isn't my son, it's a stone. So why am I out here pretending to have a conversation with someone who isn't fucking here.

I start crying harder as I talk and I realize how much I have been keeping inside, acting like I am fine and trying to be strong. Well, I'm not. It isn't fair. It's not fair that I can't hold him in my arms and kiss his sweet face. It's not fair that I had my chance at motherhood ripped away from me, that he didn't get to experience life and love. I should have died that day, I wish I could take his place.

Luka comes and sits down next to me, taking my hand but not saying a word. I don't think he wants to interupt me when I have finally opened up. I squeeze his hand to let him know that I am glad he is here and I am glad he pushed me to do this. I did need this, it was important. I trace the edge of the gravestone with my fingers.

"I wish I could see him, I wish I could talk to his face not this stupid stone."

"You are talking to him Abby, he hears you... he's glad you finally came to visit, he missed you." I smiles trying to cheer me up. I smile at his light hearted attempt and I notice how much better I feel and how much worse I feel at the same time. I am hurting so much, missing my baby more then ever. But for the first time in months, I actually feel connected to him somehow, and that's the best feeling in the world.

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	14. Friendly advice

It had been a few days since that night in the cemetery. I had decided to stay in my old apartment with Neela for awhile until I knew what I was going to say to Luka, he said that he completely understood but I think that he was pretty hurt. That night had been so emotional and it left me completely vulnerable, I knew going back to Luka's was not a good idea.

Today I have to go in and talk to Kerry. She found out that I was back in town through the grapevine and I'm sure I am going to be given my new schedule. She wasn't too pleased when I left for Africa and I don't think she knew I would be gone so long. Before stepping into the hospital I reach for my cell phone in another attempt to call Carter. There is only one phone on the campsite, the biggest ugliest phone ever made considering the non reception. It's a satellite phone provided by the alliance but it sucks. I have been calling him the past two days but he is never around.

"Hello, can I please speak with Dr. John Carter?" I ask when the woman picks up, I think it's Debbie.

"Abby?"

"Yea, Hi."

"Hi! How are you?"

"I'm pretty good.." I say not feeling like talking, I really just wanted to speak to Carter.

"That's good, we are missing you here… but, um John isn't here, he went to the congo a few days ago with Dakari they won't be back for awhile." The Congo? Oh, great.

"Well, I'll try him again then." I say and we exchange goodbyes. I hate to think of him in the Congo after what happened to him and Luka the last time they were there.

"Abby! You're late!" I look up to see Kerry standing at the door. It seems so different to see her without the cane, I think she looks more intimidating then before.

"Coming." I say barely above a whisper and make my way inside.

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After my meeting with Kerry I was pulled right into work. She said that she felt awful about what happened but it had been four months and I had to come back or she had to get another doctor. I love my job, I love the people here and even though I wasn't sure of what the next few weeks would bring for me, I decided to just go back to work for now until I had things straightened out.

"Abby I'm heading out for a coffee… you wanna come?" Susan asks as I approach the admin. Desk. I'm due for break, why not? Besides we have so much to talk about.

"Sure. Let me grab my jacket."

We walk over to the new café down the street, telling Ray to page us if we are needed. I find myself becoming a bit sad that Doc's isn't there for our convenience anymore. We grab a table and she doesn't waste anytime with small talk.

"So, did you guys break up?"

"What?" I say taken back at her straight-forwardness. But this is Susan.

"You and Luka? I mean I didn't tell him where you were but he-"

"No, I know you didn't, he called the alliance program. It doesn't matter, I was planning on coming home anyways."

"Well what happened over there?"

"I don't know, it's so hard to explain. I mean Carter and Luka telling us all those stories doesn't even compare. It's the most beautiful country but at the same time it's plagued with nothing but death and illness, it's sad."

"It sounds great." She says sarcastically and I roll my eyes. I know I can't explain this.

"Carter was there.." I say hesitantly.

"What? Still?" She says shocked but I think I am more shocked then her, how did she know he was there to begin with, I didn't think anyone did.

"What do you mean still?"

"Well he was there last… September? He sent a postcard to the ER but I didn't think he would still be there a year later."

"Yea, things with him and kem… you know, but wait, why didn't I know about the postcard?"

"We left it on the board, you passed it, looked at it and told me to throw it out." She laughs and I giggle covering my face. I can't believe I said that.

"Oh… well anyways, I didn't want to come home for awhile but I had finally decided to right before Luka came. I mean being over there and making helping all those people, it was so rewarding. But I didn't forget about everything either, it was just helpful to get away and sort through everything I was feeling…. Carter really helped me." I says slowly. I wanted to tell her about Carter but I was afraid of her reaction. Better to ease into it I guess.

"Yea, I told you that you should call him… I mean with Joshua and everything..."

"Yea I know, I didn't listen. But seeing him there, it was really great I mean we haven't really been close since Kem, It was like old times."

"Well, that's good… how are things with Luka?" she asks after a long pause.

"Yeah… I don't know."

"Uh oh."

"No- I don't, I just don't know what to say to him anymore. He is trying so hard to help me get over everything that has happened, to go back to the way things were but… I don't think I can. I can't even remember being with him when I wasn't pregnant."

"Well you guys weren't really together that long before the baby… I mean do you think you want to stay with him?"

"I don't know that's the thing. I care about Luka so much, but after losing the baby and everything we have been through I just don't think I can go back…. And there's kind of something else."

"What do you mean?" she asks curiously.

"I kissed Carter!" I blurt out and then embarrassed, check to make sure no one is around. Her look alone is priceless.

"You what! Oh my god!" she squeals with excitement.

"Shhh… look this doesn't leave this table ok?"

"Of course… so I mean how, how did this happen?"

"I don't know, I mean first things were great, we were friends and it was like old time-"

"Yea when you were head over heels for each other old times!" she yells and I scowl getting her to shut up.

"Not like that. Just, we were good again. And then one night we were dancing, and I don't know it was just there. He kissed me… or well, he tried. I freaked and ran-"

"So he tried to kiss you first? Aw-"

"No, not aw… what about Luka? I mean I told Carter that it couldn't happen, ya know I was with Luka still or whatever is going on with us… and I just couldn't do that to him. But then, I don't know, the more we were together the stronger out feelings got and I just kissed him… I'm horrible."

"No, hey Abby… you and Carter, well, that's always been there and if you ask me it always will be. You guys are just meant to be." she says shrugging her shoulders like thats it, nothing else to discuss. It's just that simple.

"Are we? I mean yeah we have always had that connection but we suck at being in a relationship, you know that." She laughs and nods.

"Yea, I suppose. But it's been so long, maybe it would be different."

"Maybe, but is that good enough? Can I just leave Luka andeverything behind for a maybe?"

"Abby, I know you… you are logical. I don't think you would even be here considering it if you didn't think it could work." She nudges. I can feel my heart racing like crazy.

"What am I suppose to tell Luka? I mean this is awful." I feel like crap, I feel like I am cheating on him by just contimplating things. I don't even think we are officially together right now, but this isn't middle school, if I were to tell him everything I am feeling right now he woulf feel betrayed regardless of the techniqallities of our relationship.

"Well, do you love Luka?"

"I don't-"

"No, none of that. Look, Abby love isn't a maybe thing. You would know if you loved him…."

"Things with Luka and I are so complicated right now though."

"I know that, the baby and everything… but are you sure you aren't just staying with him because you feel obligated or something?"

"Maybe, a little. But I do care about Luka."

"But you don't love him… do you love Carter?"

"…yea.."

"Then you need to tell Luka." She says as her pager starts vibrating. She looks at me silently asking if I am being paged also but I shake my head no.

"Duty calls… listen sleep on it and talk to him tomorrow, but make sure you make this choice for YOU." She says and grabbing her purse and walking out the door. No later then 10 seconds go by before my hip is vibrating and I am running back also. Sleep on it, she's right. Take the night to figure out what I am going to tell him and tomorrow I will sit him down and we can talk. I can't keep avoiding this.

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	15. Ghost of a good thing

Walking up the long flight of stairs to my apartment, I can't wait to climb into bed. I ended up working three hours overtime and then getting called back in for two more. I was pissed. First day back to work and I worked almost 15 hours. Now, it's 11:00 and I am exhausted. I slide the key in the door, pushing it open with no effort and setting my keys aimlessly on the corner stand. That is when I notice my apartment has been taken over. Neela is out of town for a few days so it has been convinent to stay here but looking around I can tell I'm not alone.

There is rose pedals all over the place and candles lighting the dining room table. I am at first shocked and then I can't help but smile. This is amazing. But what is all this? When I look around the corner I can see Luka standing by the stereo trying to pick a CD. My heart suddenly jumps into my throat. I was going to tell him everything tomorrow, and now he went and did this. I feel more and more like a scum bag each minute that passes. He looks up and smiles, walking in my direction.

"I was starting to wonder when you would be home." he says taking my coat.

"What... what is all this?" I say speechless.

"Well, I wanted to do something nice and relaxing considering everything that has been going on... I thought it would be kind of good to have a night alone." he says brushing his hand against my cheek. I suddenly feel like I am going to cry. This is amazing, and I am about to crush his heart. How can I tell him now?

"Look Luka-"

"No, no protesting... I know you are still, well... you still need your space. But hey, we can still spend time together right? Let's start slow?" he says and I realize how not upfront I have been with him, he is reading my intentions all wrong. He grabs my hand pulling me towards the table where there is a dinner setting. I pull my arm away stepping back and he looks at me confused.

"I can't do this-"

"Ok, ok I just thought...I'm sorry I don't want to push." he says defeated.

"No, Luka this is... nothing short of amazing."

"Then what's the problem?" I can feel the tears building up slowly.

"We have to talk... I, there is something you need to know." I say deciding to tell him now instead of waiting, and I cant put on a face and spend tonight with him knowing what I have to tell him.

"Ok..." he says walking me over to the couch before I collapse. "Abby, what is it?" I pause thinking over how to say this to him but I can't come up with anything... I have never been the one to do this, to break up with someone. I guess There is no WAY to say it, I just have to be straight forward.

"I, umm... in Africa, well John and I we became really close again and it was really great ya know cause I missed him and we used to be such great friends." he nods knowingly and tells me to continue. " Well, after awhile things... we, uh we started developing feelings for each other again." I say slowly tears running down my face by now. The look on his face is pure shock and I feel like I am going to throw up. I never wanted it to be like this.

"You... I.." he starts to say something but can't seem to make a sentence. His look turns from hurt, to dumbfounded to anger. "So, what happened!... Did you?-" he starts angry.

"Nothing happened, not like that! Look, I wouldn't do that to you, and I wouldn't do that anyways, I wasn't trying to jump into another relationship it just fell in our hands."

"So what does this mean, I mean you... oh my god that whole time I was there he was acting like some self righteous friend-"

"No, Luka. This isn't his fault... he was trying to be a good friend, and he was. It just happened it's not like we could control how we feel." I say and then realize that's probably not what he wants to hear, me defending Carter.

"He knew we were together, he knew what we had been through but he still moved in! He took advantage of you when you were vunerable!" he yells getting up and pacing.

"It wasn't like that Luka, you don't know how bad we feel about this... both of us."

"Are you kidding me? That guy has loved you for years and he always manages to come between us, I doubt he is feeling bad about this."

"Luka... ok, look I wanted to tell you because you deserved to know and I didn't want to lead you on like I was but I don't want you to think I am telling you this so I can run away and jump into a relationship with Carter. It isn't like that, I don't know what is going on with John and I, but even if he wasn't around, or we hadn't... you know.. that doesn't mean that I wouldn't have come to the same conclusion about you and I."

"Are you sure about that? Abby this past year was amazing, we were great." I start crying more because I know he is right, but last year I was pregnant... we were proud expecting parents, excited and in total honeymoon stage. It's not like that now. Now we can't even have a conversation without talking about the baby, we don't look at each other with that same desire... it's just not there. We didn't get to be that perfect family we hoped for.

"I know that, it was... it was great. But Luka... I can't go back to that. Everything with us was centered around the baby and-"

"Abby I know that losing the baby was horrible... but we can get it back. We can go back to the way it was." I shake my head slowly dying. This is so hard.

"I can't... with or without a Carter... it's just not the same anymore, and I can't go back, I care about you so much but...it's just not there... I'm sorry." I say barely getting my words out through my sobs. His eyes are glazed over and I can tell he is ready to crumble with me. I think he knows I am right, that it just wouldn't work but he seems to be holding on for dear life to anything he can right now.

I wipe my tears away trying to gain control. I see him walk away and I think he is going to leave when he returns, jacket in hand and he is fishing in the pockets for something. He slowly pulls out a small box, grasping it so tight his knuckles are turning white. He looks at it for a moment, contemplating almost and then hands it to me.

I gently rub the velvet fabric that encompasses the box and slowly open it. I don't have to, I am sure I already knows what lies inside, but he wants me to open it so I do. Inside sits a engagement ring, a beautiful one that looks very old and antique. Yep, I'm going to puke.

"I was going to give that to you tonight, I knew you didn't want to rush things but I thought maybe if you saw how serious I was about this, maybe if I could offer you a promise of good things you would change your mind." he says not spitefully but I silently wonder if he is just telling me this because he wants me to know or if he is trying to make me feel bad. Tears start streaming again, I can't help it.

"Luka, this is beautiful but I can't take it."

"Yea, Carter-"

"No, not Carter. Look this isn't about him... I told you that stuff because you deserved to know and I wanted to explain at least a big reason why I didn't want to stay together, but that isn't the only reason... whether Carter and I start something, it wouldn't change my decision right now, we are just clinging on to any last hope we have and its not there. You know it." I say and he pauses not looking at me.

"Abby, I know you might think that I am holding onto something but I'm not.. I, care about you and I know you care about me-"

"Do you love me?"

"Yes. I really do, We have been through so much and I just am asking you to give us one more chance, don't throw it away because of the baby." he says and then pauses. "I know that you have always had feelings for Carter, but you always talked about how bad you guys were at making a relationship work, why are you going to run back to that when you have something great right in front of you?" I start to say something but I can't form any words. There is no way to describe or reason why I am doing this besides I love him and want to make us work, and I know that isn't what Luka wants or needs to hear. Besides that won't be good enough for him, hell it wasn't good enough for me, and there is no way to describe it I just feel like it's something I have to do or I'll regret it.

"I just wish you would think about this."

"I have thought about it Luka, over and over again. I have been beating myself up over this and I keep coming back to this. I'm sorry." I say and try to hand the ring back to him. He doesn't take it, so I stand up and walk over to him extending my hand out the holds the box. Suddenly, he is kissing me. When I pull back, it's gently... not to hurt him with rejection, I think he has had enough of that tonight.

"Luka-"

"I want you to keep it-"

"What? No, I can't-"

"No, just listen... I want you to keep, think about what it could be like if we got married. We could be happy, really happy and someday we could try again" he says slipping the ring on my finger and then gently touching my stomach. My head shoots up, almost hurt for some reason. I don't think I was expecting baby talk after everything.

" I just mean when we are ready, we.. we could have it back if you just gave us a chance." he says noticing my reaction and trying to explain himself. "We would be happy Abby, I know we would. Now that you know that I was going to ask you and, I don't know. Just consider it. That's all I ask... and if you decide you don't want it then well, i'll back off." he says stepping past me, grabbing his coat and walking out.

As soon as the door hits I crumble to the floor. That was so hard, and I don't feel like I got anything accomplished. If anything I am more confused now then I was before and I thought I was so sure of what I was going to do. I stare down at the ring now resting on my finger and I start sobbing heavily. How did I end up here?

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I start to compose myself, getting up and walking into the kitchen. I realize that I have to pick up all of this stuff which makes me feel horrible, I don't want to throw it away.. can't I just leave it like this? I walk over and pick up the phone in desperate need of a friend.

"Hello?"

"Susan?" I sniffle.

"Abby? What happened, are you ok?"

"Yea I just... Can I come over?"

"Yea sure, you want me to come there?" I look around and realize I really don't want to sit in this room.

"No, I'll come there."

"Ok, see you soon." I hang up the phone and walk into the bathroom hoping to clean up my face that is dripping with mascara. I do the best I can to freshen up and then grab my jacket and walk out the door.

The cold air hits me like a knife, it's only October but it is already getting pretty cold here. I start making my way towards Susan's deciding to walk, the wind makes me feel numb inside. That's what I want after all, to feel numb. I just want a break from this year and the craziness it has brought. I make it to her door, knocking lightly as I realize what time it is and the new baby is probably sleeping, and I suddenly feel bad about bothering her. I kind of forgot how late it was.

"Hey, come in." she says and I follow her into the living room. She sits down two cups of tea, already made... good old Susan.

"So, what happened... why are you so upset?"

"Luka came to my house tonight." I say and that's enough, she understands.

"So you told him?"

"Yea, but it was awful he had planned this big romantic night, and he... he gave me this." I say holding out my hand to show her the ring he had placed on my finger. I guess I should have taken it off.

"Wow, I wasn't expecting that... so you excepted?" she asks confused. "I thought-"

"No, I didn't... he, he wouldn't listen to me, he just asked me to think about it some more now that I knew what he wanted completely and, ick I hate my life." she giggles quietly and then continues.

"So now that you know he wants to marry you, does that change anything?"

"No, I don't know... I told him about Carter and he was really upset, obviously... but I told him that it wasn't just about Carter, I mean this would have happened either way. But then he gave me the ring and...uh, this stinks. He seems to think that we can get married and go back to the way it was-"

"Abby, you were so sure earlier of what you were going to do. Don't get guilted into something you don't want... I love Luka to death but I don't want you making a mistake."

"Would it be a mistake? I mean, Luka is so good to me and I do care about him... but, Carter...I mean we have so much intensity but we never seem to be able to make things work. Maybe my mistake would be leaving Luka."

"Look, you are confused and upset right now. I wouldn't jump to any conclusion or make any decisions tonight. This is big, just take sometime."

"I feel like that is all I have been doing, and I just-"

"Get some sleep, you can deal with this tomorrow. Abby, you said that you loved Carter... and you said that you don't love Luka, so why would you want to be with him? He is a great guy, and you're right you guys were happy but I just don't want to see you settle... I don't want you regretting this later." She says softly and stands up. I nod.

"Here take these.. just stay here tonight." she says handing me blankets.

"No- Susan I can go home."

"Shh.. zip it. lay down." she orders and hands me a pillow as well.

"Thanks Susan."

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	16. The call

Thanks for the reviews guys! Here is the next chapter, a new little twist! lol.

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The next morning, I woke up looking around as my eyes adjust. I had forgotten that I went to Susan's last night, as soon as I realized where I was, the previous night came flooding back into my mind. I couldn't believe, Luka asked me to marry him. Well, not really, but he was going to. He had already mentioned it before the baby was born but I told him it just wasn't something I was thinking about right then. I never thought that after everything we had been through, the last thing I expected from him was a proposal. I felt awful when he gave me this ring, I had just told him I had feelings for another man, Carter none the less and he gives me this.

I can't stop staring at it, I know I shouldn't have kept it. My heart doesn't belong to Luka anymore, but sometimes love isn't enough. You need stability, commitment, trust, if you are going to be in a relationship. I'm not so sure Carter and I have that. Don't get me wrong, I trust John with my life, more than anyone else, but when it comes to relationships… I know I will have a hard time opening up to him again after everything. He left, Luka has always been there.

"Didn't think you were going to wake up today." Susan teases as she walks into the living room, sitting in the chair opposite me.

"What time is it?"

"Almost noon." My eyes almost bug out of my head.

"Oh wow, I didn't realize it was so late.. I'm on at four, I guess I should go home." I say folding the blankets that are thrown around due to my night of tossing and turning.

"You feel any better?"

"I don't know… not really. Still feeling guilty as ever."

"Abby, don't feel guilty. You didn't do anything wrong, I mean it's not like you cheated on Luka or anything, you can't help how you feel."

"I guess. That doesn't mean I'm not breaking someone's heart." She sighs and hands me a cup of coffee. I smile.

"Thanks for letting me stay here, I should get going though." She nods, getting up and hugging me. We exchange goodbyes and I'm out the door, heading to my apartment to shower and unfortunately clean up the beautiful gesture left of last night's events.

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Walking into County, I want nothing more then to turn around and run. Back to Africa, away from here and the cruelty of reality. Why the hell am I complaining? That is the question that suddenly clouds my thoughts. I have two amazing guys that both want to be with me and I am left to choose… but I'm complaining. Right.

"Abby, you have a message, don't people know you don't live here!" Frank yells as I walk into the lounge giving him nothing but a screw you wave. I walk over to my locker placing my coat inside and throwing my lab coat on over my sweater. When I feel the coat brush against my hand I realize that I haven't taken the ring off, and I should probably do so. The last thing I need is rumors spreading of a non existent engagement. I start to pull the ring off when Luka walks in. I pull my hand away before he can see, I don't want to bruise his ego.

"Hi." Is all he says before grabbing a chart off the table and walking back towards the door.

"Luka- About last night…"

"I don't really want to talk about it here Abby, I'll catch up with you later." He says and walks out, ok I guess I can take some cold shoulder… and he's kind of right, we probably shouldn't talk about it right now. I decide to turn the ring over, the diamond resting in my palm, so no one can see, and I walk out to wait for an incoming trauma.

After a couple of hours, and three deaths later, I am already ready to blow this pop stand. This day couldn't suck more, I lost two children and a young woman. I think I might stay away from the traumas from now, I don't seem to be very good luck. As I make my way to the admin. Desk for a chart I hear Jerry yell something to me.

"What?" I ask not hearing him. He throws a note my way a number written on it.

"What the hell is this, code?" I ask with a smartass tone, I am in such a bad mood.

"They have been calling all day AND last night for you, I gave them your home number, but they still keep calling. They left that number, so please call them before I rip the phone out of the wall." He says before picking up the phone. "County General, ER." He says with a pleasant tone, this makes me laugh inside. I look down at the number and I realize it's the alliance program. That is the last thing I want to deal with now.

"Hey Susan, I gotta return this call can I-?" I start to ask for a break but she nods me off and I smile thanking her. I am glad she came back as Chief, when she first started I hated it, her little power trip was hard to handle considering my best friend was telling my what to do. But now she is really good, her and Luka work well together.

I walk into the lounge, sitting at the table and dialing the number before me, sure enough a French accented woman answers.

"Bonjour, Les Doctores International." She greets.

"Hi, this is Abby Lockhart-"I start, knowing already that she speaks English, but before I can even get a word out she interrupts me.

"Yes, Ms. Lockhart, we have been trying to reach you for some time now…. There was a problem, we were told to contact you."

"What do you mean, what problem?" I ask confused.

"We received a message that we were told to pass on to you, a Dr. John Carter has been injured." I freeze, right then and there when I hear John's name. I think I may of stopped breathing. Injured?

"What happened!" I say panicking, a million thoughts running through my mind.

"I am not sure ma'am. I was told to tell you that he is being flown to a hospital here in France, and then he will be transfered to the states."

"Oh god… well do you know the hospital?" I ask desperate for information, how can she not know this? I thought they were suppose to keep tabs on their doctors!

"No, I'm sorry. I can find out for you ma'am." I want to reach through the phone and ring her neck, and I think I might try if she says ma'am again. I hate that word.

"Yes, please." I say leaving my cell with her and hanging up the phone. I immediately start crying, that's all I do it seems. Cry. I can't help it though, I feel awful. What could have happened to him… I don't even know how serious it is, or where he is. I feel so helpless. I left things on such bad terms, I couldn't bear it if I lost him now. He needs to know how I really feel, what I want.

He needs to know that I want him.

No more then 20 minutes go by before my cell goes off. This time I am greeted by someone much more helpful. Dakari.

"He's at St. Michaels Institute, it's a great hospital in Paris." He says trying to assure me.

"I don't understand, I mean what happened?" I ask unsure if I really want to know. He pause for a minute before continuing.

"I contacted you because I know how close you and John are, I knew that you would want to know but also because I am having him moved back to the states, back to Chicago. He can't be over here in his condition, and we don't have the resources that you have in the U.S.-"

"Dakari, what happened, I mean is it that bad? Do I need to fly over there-?"

"No, he is staying the night and then we are going to fly him over. We should be there late tomorrow night…. He, he is bad Abby, I won't lie to you." I feel my heart sink as I hear the sadness in his voice.

"Just tell me." I say dying to know.

"We had just gotten back from the Congo, we had transferred a woman there who was pregnant. The janjaweed were furious. We always have confrontations with them, you know that, but they usual don't do anything serious because they aren't allowed to. But things are getting so bad over here, they are completely ignoring the laws… they took John, just took him and it was a few days before we found him. He was in the Jungle, they had just left him there… for death."

"Why would he disobey them like that, he knows what they are capable of, that is why he didn't want to move Kamei!" I say angry at him, even though it isn't his fault.

"I know, but when you left… he just, I don't know." He says deciding not to go there, which I am thankful for. I don't think I could handle that conversation right now. "When we found him he was barely alive Abby. He has infected wounds, and great gashes from being whipped… he, he isn't doing very well." I sink to the floor, sliding against the walls as he continues telling me of John's condition. I can't believe this is happening, I should have never left. Maybe I could have prevented this.

"I will call when we get close to Chicago tomorrow, I was told to go to Mercy hospital- "

"No, County General. He would rather be here." I say. Dakari doesn't know the difference; he has never been here and knows very little about Chicago. Maybe Mercy is nicer, but I know Carter would rather come here.

"I... I called Kem, I wasn't sure if I should but.." he says uncomfortably, I guess she should know... I don't even know if her and John are speaking right now though...I make a mental note to go back to this thought. "She came to see him but couldn't stay." What a bitch I say under my breath.

"No, you did the right thing calling her, I am glad he had someone there... Just get him home."

"Alright, well I will call you then when we are near… I'm sure he would want you to be there when-"

"I'll be here waiting… Dakari, take care of him."

"I will."

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	17. Waiting game

Thanks for reviewing everyone! I haven't responded to many of them because I just haven't had time but I will and thanks!

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Standing on the roof of County, I have never felt my hear pound this hard. I am so nervous to see John, I'm not sure I can handle his condition but at the same time all I want is for him to get here so I know he is safe. The wind is blowing like crazy and I have no control of my hair as it flies every which way. When I see the helicopter from a distance I breathe in deeply knowing that they made it. I feel Susan's hand on my shoulder, comforting me. I asked her to help me get him downstairs. I told Kerry and Luka that Carter would be coming but I hadn't told anyone else. I didn't want people worrying and talking. They have a room ready for him in the ICU as long as he checks out in the ER.

The plane lands as we all step back, dirt and dust flying around... I start replaying the night Carter and I were up here in my head. The night he 'proposed.' Things are so different now. When they pull him out and place him on the hospital gurney I finally catch a glimpse of his face. It's bruised horribly, his nose if surely broken and his forehead is bandaged. I immediately start crying, I feel horrible for him and I only wish I had stayed with him in Africa, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

"His BP is pretty low, we have been running some high pain meds for him-" Dakari tells me as we are pushing him towards the elevator.

"What!" I say shocked and nervous. Carter really shouldn't have pain meds, but Dakari doesn't know that... and the more I think of it, I don't care that they gave them to him. He needed them, I can tell.

"What?"

"Nothing... sorry, go on." I say taking his hand and looking his body over as Dakari continues. Broken ribs, arm, and clavicle. I can also tell that both his knee caps are popped out of place. Jesus.

"The knees need surgery, and his back..." Dakari starts as he notices my eyeing Carters legs, when he gets to his back he becomes quiet. The elevator door swings open and we wheel him into the trauma room to assess and treat before moving to ICU. He is completely out of it which makes me sad because I would love to hear his voice right now but I am glad he isn't feeling all of this.

As Susan looks over his front side I roll him over slightly to look at his back. I find it hard to breathe as I see the deep gashes across his back, some look infected and others are just... well I am very sick to my stomach.

"Let's get a surgical consult down here to look him over, and I think we should keep pushing the morphine...Abby?...Abby!" Susan yells to the doctors and then to me.

"Sorry... what?"

"Are you ok?" she asks coming over and hugging me. I let her, and I cry in her arms. I don't know what else to do... I just wish I could talk to him.

"He'll be ok Abby... he'll be ok." She says rubbing my back as Luka walks in.

"You ok?" He asks me hesitantly.

"I just need a minute." I say and walk past the two of them into the restroom. I stand in the stall for a minute wondering if I am going to throw up. I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought I was.

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The next morning I find myself being shaken from a deep sleep. I look up to see Susan standing above me.

"Hey... what time is it?" I ask groggy.

"It's only 9 but I am starting a shift... I just wanted to check on you."

"I'm fine... just tired."

"Anything?" She asks me looking at Carter lying in the bed beside us. I shake my head no and lean back in the chair sighing.

"I shouldn't have left." I say shamefully.

"What? Abby you couldn't have prevented this!" she says surprised that I am even thinking it.

"I could have stopped him from transfering that girl! I know how the janjaweed are, I couldn't have stopped him!" I say getting upset. She just looks at me and shakes her head.

"Don't do this to yourself, you know you couldn't have prevented this.. from what you have told me, they do whatever they want over there..." she says and I drop my head in my hands. "have you eaten anything?"

"I'm not hungry."

"If you don't eat before noon I am going to bring you a huge meal and sit and make sure you eat every bit." she warns playfully and I actually smile a little. She rubs my shoulder and turns to leave.

"Susan.. do you think you could find someone to cover for me later... I really don't want to work today-"

"Already got it covered, I don't want you down there for awhile Doctor." she says before leaving.

I turn my attention back to Carter who is laying still as stick. He is on high doses of pain medicine and antibiotics for his infections. His bruising is turning all sorts of shades and his knees are elevated. He looks awful, which makes me feel awful. These past couple of days have been so crazy, I don't think I have slept all that much.

I take his hand in mine, kissing it softly and squeezing it to let him know I am here, even though he isn't coherent at all. I want so badly for him to open his eyes, I can read everything in his eyes.

"Please wake up John, open those eyes for me." I whisper to myself. "I'm so sorry I left, I shouldn't have left... I love you." I say running my hand over his forehead, pushing his hair out of his face. I rest my head near his, careful not to touch his injured shoulder and continue caressing his face.

I feel so helpless, and I hate it. Control, that is my biggest issue. I hate feeling vulnerable and helpless, and that is exactly how I feel right now. I just wish there was something I could do, something to make him feel better. But there isn't, just medicine and time. I hate waiting, and god knows I have little hope in my life. Yet thats what I have been left with, nothing but a whole lot of hoping and waiting.

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Please review!


	18. The ring

Thanks everyone for the great reviews! Here's another update.

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It's been two days and Carter has been improving slowly. He is stable but he still has yet to fully wake up. He comes to every once in awhile but he is delirious and falls right back to sleep. I hope he knows that I am here. I haven't left his room but once, and that was in desperate need of a shower. Susan brought me some clothes and I have been eating and sleeping here.. I just want to make sure I am here when he wakes up.

When I hear a knock on the door I jump, startled before looking up to see who it is. Luka. I immediately rub my finger over the ring as a reaction.

"Hey, I just came to see if you wanted to take a walk or something... you have been in here for awhile-"

"I don't think so. I want to be here when he wakes up." I say and I realize it came out rather dismissive. "Thanks though." I add.

"Just looking out for you, have you even been sleeping Abby?" he asks, worry written in his eyes. I nod and shrug my shoulders.

"I'm ok, really... don't worry." I say and I realize he is staring at my hand... not only is it showing off a hunk of jewelry, it is a little occupied by another hand, Carters. I suddenly become uncomfortable, I mean I told Luka I had feelings for Carter but I don't think he needs to see this. I let go of John's hand and stand up adjusting my shirt.

"Has Susan said anything about my next shift?" I ask looking out the window? I kind of ditched my shift yesterday but Susan told me not to come anyways.. but I know I can't just stop working, and maybe it would keep my mind busy while I wait.

"We put you on for the weekend..." he says as he walks over and stands next to me, leaning against the wall.

"Thanks.. I appreciate you guys letting me have some time off." I say slowly still really uncomfortable with the situation. He puts his arm on my shoulder and I can instantly feel the butterflies. I don't know if it's because I have missed him or because this is totally awkward.

"He'll be ok Abby, but you need to make sure you take care of YOU." he says emphasizing the you. I know what he means, he doesn't like seeing me huddle in this room all day and night. I nod agreeing with him.

"Maybe I will join you for that walk." I say rethinking what he said. I should get some air and It would be nice to talk to someone other then myself.

When we make it downstairs, we grab coffee and walk around the city for awhile. It feels good to get out and talk, even though things are weird between Luka and I right now, he is being so great. He lets me talk about Carter being sick and everything that happened to him, he nods adding in his two cents every here and there. I don't bring up us, or the baby, or my romantic feelings for Carter, and he doesn't either. I think it is better if we give that whole situation a break until Carter is recovered and I am thinking straight. I don't think I have truly slept in two days, I am probably half delirious.

When my pager goes off I can feel my heart stop. I look at Luka and he knows what it means, we throw the coffees away and I rush back to the hospital, Luka trying to keep up.

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When I reach the ICU, I start making my way to Carter's room only to find two doctors standing outside his door, one talking to the nurse and the other looking over what I presume is his chart. Dakari is looking in his room through the window.

"Dr. Anderson?" I ask when I become close enough. He looks up and smiles.

"Dr. Lockhart, I just paged you-"

"I know, is everything ok... did he wake up?"

"Yes he is awake, I sent some tests to the lab but he seems to be stable, everything looks good." I sigh realizing that he is ok, I know there is so much more recovering that he is going to have to do but having him awake is a good sign.

"I explained a little what happened... he seemed to remember everything until the transfer to the hospital in paris, he...he asked for you." Dakari says and I thank him and the doctor and make my way inside, I leave the door open for Luka but he doesn't take it, he stays behind to talk to the doctor so I close it.

When I walk inside I can see Carter is awake but he is facing the other way, looking out the window, the skyscrapers blocking any real view.

"The sky doesn't look so big over here does it?" I say referring to Darfur. The sky seems enormous over there because there is nothing but flat land. It's beautiful. He turns his head slowly and gives me a weak smile, but it says everything.

"Hi." He whispers as I sit down next to him, he looks incredibly tired after four days of sleep. He is still very pale.

"Hi." I say back not knowing what else to say. I didn't even think about what I was going to say to him once he woke up... you'd think I would have been smart enough to do that while I sat staring at him the past 48 hours or so.

"How long was I out?" he asks. His voice raspy from the tubes I presume.

"A few days... they had you on a lot of... umm, pain meds." I say slowly. He cringes a little I think and I grab his hand.

"You needed them John, you still need them... you.." I say feeling the tears start to rise from within. " You were in really bad shape." I manage to get out.

"I'm sorry you had to see tha, I tried to keep it away from you over there and then they ship my to chicago-" he laughs slightly trying to lighten the mood.

"It's not your fault." I say and wipe one tear that manages to escape. I feel him try to squeeze my hand and even though it's a weak attempt I feel it, and that's enough.

"I shouldn't have left." I whisper but I know he heard me. I feel so stupid, so guilty. Maybe I couldn't have prevented this, but I am sure I could have talked Carter out of such a dangerous transfer.

"You did the right thing." he says shaking his head. I sniffle a bit trying to hold back the tears screaming to fall. He doesn't need to see me like this, and he certainly doesn't need to be worrying about comforting me when he is lying here.

"How do you feel, do you need any meds or-"

"I'm ok... I don't really feel much, I am pretty sure I am high right now." he jokes and I smile a little but I know it hits close to home for him. I was a little hesitant about the drugs at first but, he needs them, he can't live off tylenol for the next couple weeks. I wonder is he knows just how bad his injuries are... his back... uh.

"How have you been?" he says slowly after a minute of silence. At first I wonder if he is asking about Luka but he interupts my thoughts. "just with work... and the baby..." he says looking down almost embarrassed for bringing it up.

"It was hard... really hard when I first got here, but tt's getting better...slowly." I say and he nods. He looks so tired.

"You should get some sleep." I say and he wrinkles his nose.

"I have been sleeping all week.. I think I can manage to talk for a minute...I... I missed talking to you, you didn't call-" he says sad almost.

"I tried but you were in the congo... and then everything, well ya know."

"Oh..."

"We don't have to talk about it, sorry." I say noticing he got really uncomfortable.

"It's ok, I just don't want to think about it." he says and pauses. "So Dakari said they were going to bring my to Mercy." he says with a thank god look, changing the subject. I smile.

"I hope you don't mind they brought you here, I just-"

"No, I would much rather be here."

"I thought so.." I say and turn my head feeling the tears coming again. I don't know what my deal is, I guess I am still thinking of what he must have gone through. He can change the subject all he wants, I still can't get my mind off it.

"Hey.." he says rubbing my hand, he brings his hand up to the back of my head weakly and pushes it down to rest on his shoulder. I let the tears flow now, I can't help it. He rests his head against mine, because he wants to or because he can't keep it up anymore I'm not sure. After a minute of laying there I compose myself, wiping my eyes and throwing my hair back off my face. He smiles as I apologize.

"You don't have to apologize."

"No, I shouldn't be doing this, you don't need to worry about me... I just, I guess I was just do worried... I love you." I say looking up at him as I play with his blanket.

"I love you too Abby." He grabs my hand in his and I place my other hand on top of our entwined fingers. I watch as his expression changes and I freeze.

The ring. I didn't take off the ring.

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Please review!


	19. Letting go

Sorry about the lack of update... I have been getting my things ready for college so I haven't had much free time.. but thanks for reviewing everyone! Here's the next chapter.

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The ring. I forgot to take off the ring, how the hell did I manage to ignore the rock sitting on my finger? I guess I have just been so stressed out, I haven't really thought about it. The only time I even noticed it the past three days is when I took a shower and I almost ripped a chunk of hair out of my head when it became attached to the diamond.

"umm.. wow, are you?" Carter starts to ask me, horror and total disbelief written in his eyes.

"No, no.. I, I'm not engaged John." I say pulling the ring off for the first time. I don't even know why I am wearing it really, I guess I thought I owed it to Luka to give it some more time… but I can't. I know I don't want to go back to him again, this is just hurting him in the long run.

"So why?" he asks nodding towards the ring.

"Well, the other night, I told Luka that I had feeling for you." I start not knowing if this is even the best time to be discussing this but I know I know I have to explain. He looks surprised. "He was upset and angry, but more so because he had planned on asking me to marry him. I think he was just looking for anyway to hang on to things… he knew what was coming."

"So what did you say?" he asks confused.

"I told him that I couldn't be with him, that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with you but I knew for sure that I couldn't go back to the way things were before the baby, it just wasn't the same anymore… he gave me the ring anyway, asked me to reconsider."

"and you took it.."

"I just thought I owed him that much. But I haven't had a chance to talk with him about it really. I'm not going to just leave the ring in his locker, this is a big deal." He nods understandably.

"So you told him about us…?"

"Yea… well I just said that we had feelings for each other again, that I didn't really know what I wanted… he thought I had slept with you I think, but I made it clear that nothing like that went on, I don't think it made him feel any better."

"So what now?" he asks. I know what he wants, he wants me to throw my arms around him and tell him that I am ready to give our relationship another go. I can't do that.

"I don't know. I'm going to talk to Luka, give this back to him." I say putting the ring in my bag that sits on the floor. "Hopefully he will move on in time." I say avoiding the topic of Carter and Abby.

"Will you?"

"Will I what?"

"Get over it , in time?"

"Carter, I have thought about this over and over and over. If I have to think about it anymore there is going to be nothing but senseless overanalyzing and I think there already has been a little bit of that already. I know this is what I want, I don't want to get married right now and I don't want to stay in my relationship with him. It isn't the same as it was, we won't be happy and I think he knows that as well. It's time to say goodbye." I say sadly but surely.

"I just want to make sure that you are positive about this that's all. I don't want to see you unhappy." He says taking my hand.

"It's going to take awhile… I don't want to be with Luka , but I don't want to be in any relationship right now." I say softly hanging my head. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want him to take this conversation the wrong way. I AM ending things between Luka and I. But I am closing down the romance department for a little while. I need time to get over things, to find closure and move on. Who knows what the leaves for Carter and I.

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After a couple of weeks in the hospital Carter is itching to be released. He has gone threw relentless therapy and he is recovering really well. He still can't walk for long periods at a time and his arm hasn't healed yet. The only other thing is his back. He hasn't seen it, so he doesn't know the extent but it looks incredibly painful.

Following the days after our conversation about Luka, we managed to ignore the relationship discussions, coming to a mutual understanding that, when he was recovered, and I was ready, then we would talk. His father stopped by every now and then but his mother never made an appearance. She sent flowers. I was surprised to hear that he had received a letter from Kem. Apparently she had been rapped up in business in Paris and hadn't had a chance to come visit. She sent her best get well wishes and said she would fly over when she had a break. He crumbled it up and threw it away.

"So when does your dad get in?" I asked him while walking around the hospital, part of his daily exercise. He was going to be released tomorrow and I was still trying to convince him to hire a nurse to stay with him. I knew it was expensive, but for some reason I didn't think that would be a problem.

"Friday. He said he would stay for a week to help me get settled in but I told him I would be fine."

"Carter… you really should have someone there with you-"

"Abby, I told you I'll be fine. I will probably be on the couch all day anyways, what's the point?"

"I just don't think you should be alone, I know you are doing really well but you still can't walk to much, and you are still weak-"

"I'm not weak, look I'm fine." He says letting go of my supporting hand trying to prove a macho point that he can walk just fine. I can see the pain he is trying to hide and it makes me want to deck him.

"Whatever, what about your arm? How are you going to cook, and get around? …You can barely walk, you have no arm… what about showers? What the hell are you going to do then-"

"Abby, I'll be FINE. I am not hiring some weird lady to stay at my house." He says dismissively.

"Then come stay with me." I suggest. I had been holding off on that one for awhile knowing that it might be uncomfortable even though we had stayed close friends. I just didn't want things to get complicated, but if he is going to be a stubborn male…

"What? No, I am not going to burden you."

"You won't, look I am a doctor after all, it would be smart." I tease. "I wouldn't be home all the time, so you would have privacy, but I could be there to help out and I have room." After I ended things for good with Luka, I leased a new apartment so that Neela and I wouldn't kill each other. It was a lot nicer then my old one and it had an extra room.

"Abby, really I appreciate it but I can't. Don't worry so much, I'll be ok." He said before he practically fell into the hallway chair. I knew he wouldn't make it very far on his own, and he wonders why I am worried.

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That night I left Carter sleeping in his room, everything ready for his release tomorrow. I told him I would take him to his apartment, but I ended up having an early shift so Susan is going to do it. I decided I should probably go home and get some serious sleep. I had been staying at the hospital a lot in between shifts.

When I entered the apartment I automatically felt the need to run back to the hospital. The place was a wreck. There was still boxes everywhere and once I tripped, spilling packing peanuts everywhere, I was definitely ready to turn back around. I just hadn't had much time to unpack and furnish this place, which is a shame because I would have loved to come home to a nice homey apartment.

I set my things down on the table and pick up the box I knocked over, looking inside to make sure I didn't break any thing. It's filled with photo albums and books. For this a sigh, knowing I won't be cleaning up glass and I pick up one of the albums. I open it up and I automatically feel my heart racing. It is the book I had started for Luka, it's filled with baby things, mostly ultrasound pictures and snapshots he had taken of my belly before I had the chance to hide. Some of them are of Luka and I but it is mainly baby centered. I had planned on filling it with picture of Joe when he was born and giving it to Luka for his birthday a few months back.

I have been doing really well lately, Luka and I still don't talk much… but I know that is going to take some time. I visit Joe's grave often, it helps me feel connected to him somehow. I had forgotten about all of this book.

I run my hands over the pictures and I can feel myself beginning to cry. This time I am not crying tears of only heartbreak though, for once I am somewhat happy. I am glad that I have found these pictures, I think I have finally come to a point in my life where I can look at these pictures without incredible angry and despair. I can smile and although I feel a twinge of pain run through my heart, I can feel the smile spreading across my face getting wider. I loved my baby, I still do and always will, and I know that I was not to blame for what happened.

I pull a photo out, the last ultrasound I had and the best picture of all of them. It is very clear and you can make out so many of his features. I take a magnet off the fridge and place it over the picture, holding it in place proudly. I stare at it for a minute before placing the album back on the table and going to bed.

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Please review! The next chapter will tell more about Abby giving the ring back to Luka if anyone is wondering why I left that out.


	20. A new start

Thanks for all the reviews everyone!

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Making my way outside to wait for the next trauma all I can think about is how bad this day has been dragging. I got called in two hours before my shift and it's now 8:00pm... four hours after my shift was supposed to end. Someone really hates me today.

"Hey, you're still here?" Susan asks, joining me in the ambulance bay.

"Yea, still here." I say not to thrilled. I hear her giggle a little under her breath.

"So, how's Carter doing? I haven't had a chance to visit."

"I don't know, he's getting better and everything but he still needs help getting around... of course he is to stubborn to ask."

"Ha, yea Chuck is the same way."

"Yea, but he isn't crippled." I point out laughing. She nods. "His dad left yesterday so he is alone."

"He left already?

"Carter didn't want him there." I explain shrugging my shoulders. Carter and his father aren't exactly best friends but they get along better then he does with his mother that's for sure. His dad stayed exactly one week like he said he would before Carter practically kicked him out.

"So how are YOU guys doing." Susan asks nodding her head behind me. I turn to see Luka walking out, discussing a patient with Ray. I can't help but cringe.

"That good, huh?" She says sarcastically as the sirens approach.

"I just want to go home."

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Making my way out of the hospital I spot Luka sitting on a bench, I assume waiting for a incoming trauma.

"Hey." I say reluctently.

"Abby, hi." he says, he seems surprised that I approached him.

"Waiting for a trauma?"

"No, just taking a break, I'm on all night." I make a face and he laughs.

"Listen, Luka... can we talk for a minute?"I ask and looking at me hesitantly he nods. He stands up and we start walking down the street.

"How have you been?"

"Um, alright I guess... how about you, I haven't talked to you much lately." he says.

"I know, I have been pretty busy... I've been good though... I actually found something the other day..."I say pulling the photo album out of my bag.

"What's that?"

"I was planning on giving this to you for your birthday, but everything... well anyways, I thought you might still want it." I say handing it to him.

He opens up the book and his expression immediately changes. Sadness, happiness. I'm not really sure and I am kind of nervous now. Maybe I shouldn't have given it to him.

"Wow, Abby this is amazing. Thank you, it means a lot to me." I nod my head and he pulls me into a hug.

"I um, I stole one out of there but otherwise everything is there... every ultrasound." I smile and almost place my hand over my stomach. He smiles and nods.

"Thank you."

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A half hour later I am climbing the steps to Carter's apartment and I realize how late it is. I have been coming by everyday after my shifts to help him out but it is pretty late tonight.

"Carter!" I yell out, walking inside his apartment. I knocked a few times and when he didn't answer I figured he was asleep.

"Hey, sorry it takes awhile to get to the door, but hey... make yourself at home." he jokes coming out from the bedroom.

"Sorry. I just figured you were sleeping, I just thought I would check and make sure you didn't need any refills." I say shaking the prescription bottle.

"No, I haven't been taking them." he says the pain written on his face as he tries to walk over to the kitchen table. He only had one crutch because one of his shoulders is still healing. I think this makes it more difficult to walk but he refuses to have a wheelchair.

"Carter, if you're in pain you should be taking them... "

"I know, but I .. I can't." I nod understanding, and place the bottles back on the counter.

"You look like crap." he says looking me over.

"Well how sweet, thanks Carter."

"You know what I mean-"

"I know, I had a long shift. I need to go home and sleep...forever." I joke and he laughs. He's been there before, many times.

"Well, you didn't have to come. Go home and get some sleep."

"No, it's ok. It's on my way." I try to convince him. He smiles a little and stands up.

"I'm gonna use the bathroom, I'll be right back." he says taking his crutch and making his way down the hall. I look around noticing that the place is spick and span. It doesn't look like the kitchen has been touched in ages, and that worries me.

"Hey John, have you had anything to eat today?" I yell down the hall.

"I eat a little, I'm not really hungry. I think it's the meds." he yells back.

"You need to eat something."

"Ok mom, I will." he yells teasing my concern.

"Carter I'm serious." I say starting to pull things out of the fridge to make him a sandwich. After a few minutes I find myself sitting at the table, staring at his sandwich and trying my hardest to stay awake.

"Hey john!" I yell down the hall, a yawn escaping my mouth. When I get no response I make my way down the hall approaching the bathroom door. "John?" I say knocking but I hear nothing except a muffled 'what?'.

"Are you ok?" I ask. Nothing. "Carter?" When I get no response I open the door slowly and find him lying on the floor sweating profusely.

"John, jesus why didn't you yell to me."

"I'm ok I just-"

"You just what John! God, stop being so stubborn!" I yell slowly pulling him up, his arm wrapped around my neck. I struggle to make my way over to the couch.

"Uh, I'm so fucking sick of this!" he yells as I lean him onto the couch, raising his legs to lye him down.

"Hey, look at me." I say taking his face in my hands. "I know you're frustrated, this is hard but John, you can't be alone. I know you think you can but.." I raise my hands in a look what just happened way. He closes his eyes placing his hand over mine and pulling it down, our hands resting on the couch.

"You're coming to stay with me." I say, my tone a bit forceful.

"Abby-"

"No don't Abby me, Carter. You need to have someone there and I'm not going to fight with you about it anymore." I say dismissivly. He looks at me and laughs.

"What!" I yell I smile spreading across my face.

"You're beautiful when you're mad."

"Oh my god, Shut up." I say throwing a pillow at him and getting up. He laughs, throwing it back and I make my way into his room to pack some clothes. I hope I am not making a mistake here.

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Please review!


	21. Mommy dearest

Thank you so much for the great reviews everyone!

Lying here on the couch I am flipping through channels, boredom taking over. I have been staying with Abby for about two weeks now and I am getting a lot better. I guess that I really did need to take it easy, but I wasn't about to burden myself on Abby. Lucky for me she is just as stubborn as I am, and she wasn't taking no for an answer.

I was a little nervous about staying with her, I won't lie. I still love her, but things between us are so complicated that I just figured living together wouldn't be a step in the right direction for making things any easier. We have been doing really well so far though, I think we both silently agreed to keeep it strictly friendly for awhile, she needs time to sort things out and I believe it has been said before, I don't want to be the rebound guy. I laugh to myself thinking of the day I told her that. Man was I stupid then. I guess it's a little different this time considering I was a big part of Abby leaving Luka, or rather rethinking her relationship with him, so I wouldn't exactly consider myself the rebound guy. But I don't want her to jump into a relationship if she isn't ready. We need to more careful this time if we want things to work out with us.

"Hey bum." I hear her say as she walks in the door. She left an hour ago to go grocery shopping and though I begged to go I was denied. I just want to get out of the house.

"Hey, no making jokes. It's not my fault."

"I know, I'm just playing... so I got pizza and a movie while I was out, you up for it?" She asks flashing that smile that seems to melt me everytime. I don't really care what is it, if I get to hang out with her, I'll watch it. I thought that us living together would be too much but I don't even see her that much, she is always working. I like when we get the chance to just hang out and have fun, even if it is just friends.

"Yea let's do it." I say and she walks over popping the movie in.

As she comes to sit down on the couch, I scoot over to make room for her, and even though there is plenty of room on her couch she sits smack next to me, our shoulders touching. I instantly feel my body heat rise but I try to push it out of my mind.

Half way through the movie I notice her fighting to stay awake, a yawn escaping every once in awhile and I can't help but laugh, she looks so cute. Like a 5 year old trying to stay up past there bed time just to prove they can.

"Tired?"

"No." she says simply and then yawns. I start laughing. "Ok, maybe a little... I guess it is getting late."

"It's only 10 Abby... when is your shift tomorrow?"

"Hey, I worked an 18 hour shift leave me alone!" she yells playfully and I hold up my hands. "...My shift is at nine, you appointment is at eight right?"

"Oh... yea, I was trying to forget about that."

"Carter, it'll be fine."

"I just don't want any more lectures about the damn meds.. and the walking, I mean I AM a doctor." I say a little frustrated. I went to see Dr. Anderson last week hoping to lose the crutches but not only was it hell to get to the hospital and was a complete waste of time. 'take the pain medication, john.' Yea right, like I am going down that route again.

"Well, you've been doing really well. He said that your arm was better...and you might be able to loose the crutches after this visit right?"

"Yea, I hope so. I hate those things, I feel bad for the patients now." She smiles a little and rolls her eyes as I continue to complain. I have heard many patients complain about crutches but I never knew until now. The only time I had crutches is when I broke my leg in the second grade, needless to say, I don't really remember.

"Well, I'll go in early with you before my shift. Maybe it will be good news." she says before grabbing the blanket that hangs over the back of the couch, laying it over her. She looks up at me and holds the blanket up asking if I want it. I take it, of course, even though I am yelling at myself the whole time not to. I don't want to get to comfortable here.

No more then 15 minutes later and she is out, her head on my shoulder and remote still in her hand. I know I can't lift her up, and I don't want to wake her, so I adjust her to lye next to me, her head in the crook of my neck still as I stare at the TV screen. This feels so right, I just wish it was under different circumstances. No later then 5 mintues after I flick the power button I feel sleep consume me as well.

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Three days later, I sit in the kitchen sipping coffee and grinning like a fool. Not only did I get to loose the crutches, but Susan agreed to let me come back and work a couple shifts next week, which would two days from now. I'll take what I can get, I need to do something and I am actually excited about working again. She told me that I could have my job at county back if I wanted it once I was recovered completely, but I'm not really sure what to do. I love Chicago, and being back is great, but this isn't exactly how I planned on it happening. Still, at the same time I'm not sure if I am to eager to run back to Darfur after everything that I have been through, not to mention Abby would probably kill me. Abby. There is another reason to stay, but is it? I mean what if nothing happens with us? Is there really anything to stay here for when I could be helping in Africa.

I am jolted out of my thoughts by the phone ringing. I go to pick it up, but I notice my mother's number on the called ID and I deicde against it. Why is she calling here, she doesn't even know I am here.

Beep. Hi this is Abby, Leave me a message. Beep.

"John, John this is your mother. I was told I could reach you here... your father said you were staying with that Abby. Are you two together again? I thought that was done with John. Anyways, there is a gala dinner tomorrow night and I expect you to come, you have missed so many evernts this year while you were gallivanting in foriegn countries, you need to at least make an appearence. Your father doesn't seem to care much but I do and-"

"Mother." I say picking up the phone.

"Oh, John. I didn't think you were there." She says surprised.

"Yea, look... I am not up for any dinners-"

"John you haven't attended any foundation events practically since Millicent died, you are coming."

"So should I bring the electric wheelchair or do you expect me to stand all night?" I joke knowing very well that she would die if I came rolling in. Hm... maybe I should consider it.

"Are you STILL ill? That was months ago."

"Actually it has barely been over two months, but yes I am not 100 yet. So... the chair it is then? I promise to keep the speed down."

"This isn't the time for jokes John! The museum, 8pm, I expect to see you there with a date. And John? Just why are you staying with that nurse!"

"See you tomorrow mother." I say before hanging up the phone. God, I hate that woman. Not only does she leave a totally rude message on Abby's machine without knowing if I am even here, but she has the nerve to lecture me without out even so much as a phone call these past couple of months while I was sick.

When I heave the unlocking of the door, I quickly press the erase button and sick back down.

"Hey."

"Hey, man it is mobbed down there, I swear it is a scene from the grinch." she jokes. I can imagine, I forgot how hectic the stores get towards december, everyone getting ready for christmas. Man, do people get vicious.

"So guess who just called me?"

"Who?" she asks curiously.

"Eleanor... she requests my appearence tomorrow night." I say and then laugh as I see Abby's expression change to a look of digust.

"The first time she calls you in months and she is making you go to a foundation dinner!"

"Yea I told her I would come in an electric wheelchair, I figured that would make her happy."

"You're horrible." she laughs.

"Yea, well... I was hoping... maybe you would go with me?" I ask hesitantly. I know Abby hates these charity events, and my mother, but I don't want to go alone.

"Carter... no way-"

"I know you hate them, but think of me," I say putting on my best puppy dog pout. "I can't go alone, not to mention I am not completely healed, maybe I should have a doctor with me." I say guilting her and she knows I am full of it. I am fine to go alone. My only problem is I can't run a mile or stand up for hours on end, which I don't plan on doing.

"What about your mother, she is obviously going to be there... have you forgotten that she despises me. I mean I met the woman once and she hates me."

"No she doesn't-"

"Carter."

"Ok, you both dislike each other, but you know how she is, I mean are you going to leave me all alone with her." I plead.

"Fine, I'll go. But I can't guarantee there won't be a brawl right next to the smoked tongue paté and escargo." she jokes and I laugh.

This should be interesting.

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Please review!


	22. Not going anywhere

Thanks for all the reviews everyone! Sorry about the wait, I have been really busy lately. I can't guarantee to have many updates this week because I start college friday so I'll be busy getting ready for that and doing orientation so this story is going to be going on the back burner for the next week or so... I made this chapter super long to hold everyone over! Hope you like it!

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Walking into the museum the following night, I actually feel really good about being here. It'll be nice to see my family, even if I can only take them in small doses, I still care about them and haven't seen them in months. But that isn't the only reason. I stand here, at the door, with the most beautiful woman in this place. I couldn't believe it when I saw Abby walk out of her room earlier. She was wearing a dark green silk v-neck dress that flows down just past her knee and clings to every curve on her body. Her hair was up, curled, and a few pieces had escaped from her clip framing her face perfectly. I was in Aw.

"John, you made it!" I hear my father say and turn to see him approaching.

"Yea, well I didn't think I really had a choice." I joke.

"Oh, don't listen to your mother, she is just being a nusense. Ah, I see you brought a lovely date tonight." He says noticing Abby who is talking with a doctor from Northwestern. I was glad to see that she knew someone, but I also didn't want to let her go from my arm I laugh to myself. I look back to see my father raising his eyebrows.

"Yea, well it was kind of last minute so I convinced Abby to tag along."

"So, what's going on with you two?"

"Nothing.."

"Well, why not John… when are you going to get your act together?" he says looking at me with a scolding look and I feel like I am being yelled at.

"It's complicated dad."

"Well, uncomplicated it. I like her." He says before walking past me to greet Abby. I see her smile and I am surprised to see them starting up a conversation. I knew my dad liked Abby, he always told me to marry her when I had the chance. 'She's real John, don't marry these one of these rich twits like your mother.' He would always say. At first I was a little offended that he referred to my mother that way, I mean he married her, but hey he's right, who am I kidding. I should have listened to him.

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After about an hour goes by we still have yet to see my mother, and for that I am thanking god. I really don't want to deal with her, or the look on her face I will get when she sees Abby.

"You know, I have never seen my dad so excited about one of my dates." I whisper playfully in her ear as we dance.

"Well I would hope I am not just one of your dates." She says smacking my chest. "But yes, I'm glad he wasn't totally horrified to see me here."

"No way, he loves you."

"How's the legs?"

"Fine." I say pulling her closer as she rests her head on my chest. They are actually getting a little tired but I am not about to go sit down right now.

"You look beautiful." I whisper and she looks up staring at me intensely.

"Thank you." She says and I smile but it quickly fades.

"John!" Aw. Mother. I look up to see her waving from across the room, I guess she finally spotted me. She is sitting with a group of friends so she is plastered with a smile but I can tell it's fake. I'm sure she is really thinking 'what the hell is he doing here with her.'

"Maybe if we ignore her she will go away." I say and Abby laughs.

"Not likely… come on." She says taking my hand.

As we make our way over to my mother, I feel Abby's hand grip mine tighter and I think that she might actually be a little nervous. I want to tell her my mother won't make a scene in front of her friends but we are already approaching the table.

"Mother…. Ladies." I say nodding my head. I see my mother give Abby a once over and then squint her eyes when she sees our hands intertwined.

"Um, mother I'm sure you remember Abby." I say with a grin.

"Of course… good to see you again." She says with no tone in her voice.

"You too." Abby says with a smile but I can tell she is about to hurl.

"Oh, Jean, Diane… this is Abigail Lockhart." I say introducing Abby to the women that sit next to my mother, one of them staring at her intensely. Just what did my mother say to them? "They are board members for the foundation." I explain.

"Nice to meet you."

"I recognize you from somewhere." One of the ladies says before Abby can finish her sentence. Abby just stares at her for a second before shaking her head.

"I don't think so."

"No, no I do… you, were my doctor… yes I was in with a twisted ankle from these damn heels. Yes, you were my doctor I'm sure of it-"

"But, I thought you said she was a nurse Eleanor?" I hear another one pipe in and I look at Abby.

"Actually I am Doctor now." she says almost smugly before I can speak up, and I smile, "and I do remember you now. Mrs. Michaels right?"

"Yes! Oh, you were just the sweetest!" she says and I have to hold back my laugh. Not only at the quirky old woman but at the look on my mother's face. She probably sat there for hours ranting to those women about Abby and they love her. Ha.

"Well, if you'll excuse us-" I start to say but my mother interrupts.

"Actually John, could I speak to you for a moment… alone." I cringe but follow her anyways, hoping to get this out of the way. She pulls me out onto the deck.

"What are you doing! What are you thinking!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Bringing that girl here.. honestly John, I thought we had talked about this-"

"Just stop mother, I'm not doing this with you. Abby is one of my best friends, I care about her. You aren't going to sit here and rant about her." I say loud enough to make my point but quiet enough not to cause a scene.

"Look, John I just want what's best for you, and that girl isn't it-"

"Her name is Abby."

"Fine! Abby! Whatever, you could do so much better then her. Why don't I introduce you to a few girls while you're here-"

"Mother, enough. Ok, Enough! I love Abby, she IS what is best for me and if you got over your ways and got to know her you might actually see that. You have never tried to get to know her, never! You're just upset because you got showed up in there!"

"John! I expect more out of you. You know that isn't true… yes, I was surprised to see that Abby had become a doctor. But that doesn't change the fact that she isn't good enough for you-"

"Well, I think she is. I think she is more then good enough for me, Abby is my best friend, I love her and if I want to be with her you of all people sure as hell aren't going to convince me otherwise. That girl in there is amazing, I have never met anyone like her, hell I want to marry her someday. So I suggest you pull your head out of your ass and get over it. She isn't going anywhere." I see her expression change from pure hatred to embarrassment as she walks past me. I turn to see her walk inside, and don't fail to notice her walk past Abby who had apparently caught the last 5 minutes of the conversation by the look on her face.

"Sorry, I wasn't trying to eavesdrop." She jokes with a smile.

"I didn't mean for you to hear all that…sorry about her."

"Oh, you know I don't let her get to me… but, did you mean all that?" She asks hesitantly.

"You know I meant all of that." I say taking her hand. " Come on let's go back inside." I say and she follows.

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A few hours later Abby and I are sitting in the car driving back from the museum and I can tell she has a lot on her mind. I didn't mean for her to hear my mother degrading her, or me pouring out my feelings. Not that it is really a secret. We both admitted in Africa that we still loved each other, but I wonder if she is still feeling the same way, It has been months since we talked about us.

"Where are we going?" She suddenly pops up from her slouch when she finally notices we are traveling in the opposite direction from home.

"Don't worry…"

"Are you sure you should be driving? I mean, you have been on your feet all day-"

"Hush." Is all I say and she rolls her eyes full of attitude.

When we finally reach our destination I see her look at me inquisitively. What the hell are we doing here? Yea I was expecting that.

"Come on." I say grabbing her hand and pulling her out of the jeep. I grab the bag in the back seat and pull her with me as I walk through the gates.

"Carter what are we doing here? I mean, it's kind of late."

"Nah, the night's still young."

"Not when you're a cripple-."

"Hey!" I yell and she laughs. When we finally get outback she stares at me with confusion.

"Carter, it's freezing, this isn't exactly the time for swimming."

"Calm down." I say turning on the lights to the pool so she can see the steam rising.

"Heated pool, I should have known." She says shaking her head

"Come on….no ones around…. And your right my legs are killing me, think of it as heat therapy." I joke.

"What just jump in with my dress on? Yea right." She says as I jump in. I come up pushing the water out of my eyes.

"Well, you could do that or you could put on your bathing suit that's in the bag over there."

"You are such a little… you planned this all along?"

"Well, you heard the doc, swimming is great therapy.."

"Yea, I think he meant at the gym, not in your backyard when it's 10 below and 12 o'clock at night!" she yells but I can see her smiling. "Besides, if you knew all along you were going to do this why didn't you bring YOUR bathing suit." She says nodding at my boxers.

"Oh, I did but I didn't feel like waiting… come on we used to do this all the time-"

"Yea, in the summer!"

"Chicken…" I whisper but loud enough to be heard.

"I'm not a chicken I'm just sensible unlike someone else I know.."

"Chicken."

"Fine." She says walking over to the chair half covered in snow where I threw the plastic bag. I think she is getting her suit but I just see her kick off her shoes.

"You can change in the pool house you know… not that I am objecting." I joke and she throws me a look.

"What... if you can go in your underwear, why can't I?" she says playfully and I suddenly feel my heart pounding. She pulls her dress off her shoulders and down over her legs to reveal her black lace bra and boy cut panties. God, I love those. I am glad she is feeling so comfortable, but I don't know if I can just take a friendly swim with her when she looks like that.

"It's warmer then I thought it would be." She says laughing as she gets in. I swim over to her as she lowers her body from the stairs into the water.

"Yea, I told you it would be fine."

"Well, sorry if my idea of fun isn't swimming in December Dr. Carter."

"We can go in the hot tub." I suggest placing my hands on her hips and she leans back against the side of the pool.

"No, I'm ok." She says barely above a whisper. She pushes the hair back from her eyes before resting her hands on my shoulders to keep her self up.

"Thank you… for what you said tonight. I really appreciate you sticking up for me like that."

"Well, she was wrong to say those things… and I am not afraid to tell her that." She nods.

"Carter did you really mean what you said, do… do you really think about us getting married?" she asks hesitantly. I can feel myself blushing so I am glad it is pretty dark.

"Um.."

"I'm sorry, I don't wanna put you on the spot, I mean I know I wasn't suppose to hear that it's just… I thought that's what you wanted last time and then…" she says hanging her head. I realize how much that must have hurt that I didn't purpose after she found the ring.

"I meant what I said Abby, I just haven't said it to you because, well with everything that happened we haven't really talked about us…"

"Yea, I know. I just-"

"No, I know you don't have to explain… I just, I wasn't sure how you felt anymore so I didn't want to say anything." I say and she just looks at me, staring deep in my eyes. She pulls her hand back to trace my cheek, traveling down to my chin. I shiver almost under her touch and I stare back at her wondering what she is thinking.

Suddenly she leans in, kissing me gently. At first I am shocked considering how up in the air we have been but I don't ignore it. I pull her in, my hand at the back of her head and hers resting on my cheek still. I know that her legs are the only thing keeping us afloat, because if my legs weren't shot before, they sure are now.

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Please Review!


	23. Moving forward

Sorry about the lack of update everyone, first week of college kind of sucks up all your time. LOL. This chapter is really short, the only chance I got to write this week so I don't know how good it is. Thanks for all the reviews and I will try to update soon, I gave a little chapter preview at the end!

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Walking into the lounge, all I want to do is collapse on the couch. I hate Christmas, call me the Grinch, I don't care. It seems like every year Christmas shifts bring nothing but drunken Santas and people beat up after family feuds. What happened to joy and cheer?

"Hey." Carter whispers in my ear as he wraps his arms around me from behind. I jump, surprised. We both agreed to keep our relationship a secret while we work things out. I didn't want Luka to hear about it before I told him also. I just didn't think that was fair.

"Carter.."

"Oh, no one is in here… I missed not being able to do this all day. It's hard."

"I know, I just-"

"No, you're right. I don't feel like being apart of the hospital gossip right now… are you off?"

"Yea, I have 10 minutes left but I was gonna try to sneak out early while it was slow. My luck a trauma will roll in as I am leaving."

"Yea, I hear ya. Well, I will see you at home then?"

"Yea." I saw looking at the door before kissing him. He deepens it as I start giggling and we suddenly jump as the door opens. Damn it.

"Oh, sorry." Luka says before walking back out, my stomach dropping. I really wanted to be the one to tell him about Carter and I before something like, well, this happened.

"Uh, ok I should go talk to him." I say picking up my bag and walking towards the door.

"No, Abby go home. I'll talk to him."

"What? Carter.. I don't think that's a very good idea."

"I think I should… really, don't worry. I'll see you later." He says kissing me on the cheek and walking out the door. I don't even want to think about how that is going to go.

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"Luka! Luka, wait up!" I yell chasing after him.

"Carter." He says simply turning around.

"Listen, about…that… well-"

"Look, Carter you really don't need to explain… Abby told me about Africa and everything, I have been waiting for it."

"I don't want to explain, I… I just want to say that I am sorry about how this happened, I know you don't think much of me right now-"

"Honestly Carter, I don't have any bad feelings towards you, and that's only because I know you love her… and you have for years. And because I know she feels the same way."

"I do love her, I won't hurt her."

"You better not, she deserves the best." He says and walks away. I am almost shocked at how well that went, but at the same time I know Luka is stand up. He only wants the best for Abby and I respect that. Especially because he thinks that might be me.

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When I arrive back at Abby's apartment I find her asleep on the couch, TV blaring, phone ringing. Man she is a heavy sleeper.

"Hello?"

"Carter? It's Susan… is Abby there?" She asks confused as to why I am at Abby's. Everyone know I have been staying with her but it's been about two weeks since I returned to work, I think people assume I would have moved out by now.

"Um, she's sleeping. You want me to have her call you-"

"No, I was just calling to remind her about the party, and you two for that matter. I already checked and you both have the day off so there is no excuse for you not to come." I laugh at the fact that she went that far.

"Guess not then, we'll be there."

"We? Are you guys?"

"Goodnight Susan." I say and hang up, leaving her dangling. Abby and I agreed to keep things quiet but that was mainly for Luka's sake. Now that he knows, and almost approves, I don't think it would be a big deal to spill the beans. In fact, I want to shout it out loud.

I walk over to Abby, pushing her hair back and kissing her forhead.

"Abby." I whisper and she doesn't move a beat. I pick her up slowly and carry her into the bedroom. I can't believe that she didn't wake up. As I lay her down she doesn't stir a bit and I pull of my shirt, climbing into bed next to her. I can't believe that we are finally back together. It feels amazing to be with her again.

"Hey, when did you get home?" She asks finally waking up.

"Just a couple minutes ago, you were passed out on the couch."

"Sorry, I tried to stay awake." She laughs.

"It's fine… come here." I say pulling her closer to me.

"Susan called, she was just making sure we were still going to the party."

"Oh yea, that's Saturday isn't it?"

"Yea… I talked to Luka." I say and she sits up to face me.

"And…I don't see any black eyes so.."

"haha.. he was actually cool about everything, I mean I know he doesn't like it but I think he's ok with it." I can see her face change into relief and I have to admit I am a little relieved as well. I wasn't asking for Luka's permission but it was nice to know I didn't have to worry about getting punched at work.

"You ok?" I ask noticing that she hasn't said anything.

"Yea, I just wish that he didn't have to find out about that."

"Well, maybe it was for the best… I don't think either of us wanted to tell him." I joke and she just nods her head.

"You know what this means right?"

"What?" I ask confused.

"It's only a matter of time before the Abby and Carter gossip pool starts up again." She jokes.

"So, does this mean I can actually take my girlfriend out in public?" I tease and she smacks my arm.

"I guess so." She says giving her best disgusted face and I laugh.

"So Susan's party… I don't have to work, and you don't have to work…"

"It's a date."

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Please Review!

Next Chapter: Susan's party, Luka confronts Abby, and Carby spend Chirstmas together.


	24. Merry Christmas

Alright guys, here's the update. So sorry it took me so long, I have been really busy. Hope you like it and thanks SO much for all the reviews!

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Walking into Susan's house I am surprised to see everyone here. Usually there is only a few people here and some of her family because the rest of us get stuck working, I guess Kerry decided to be nice this Christmas. I immediately spot Luka sitting in the corner of the room, beer in hand.

"Hey, I'll be right back kay?" I say to Carter releasing my hand from his. By the end of the day Luka caught Carter and I kissing, the whole hospital knew. No one saw us, but Chuny overheard Luka and Carter talking and of course it didn't take long for it to spread around. I guess I feel kind of guilty that I wasn't the one to tell Luka about us. I didn't want for it to happen like that, and I still think I owe him enough to go talk to him about it.

"Yea." Carter says nodding towards the kitchen letting me know he'll be in there talking to Susan.

As I make my way over to Luka I realize how miserable he looks sitting over here by himself. I can feel my heart pounding and my palms getting sweaty. I know I am not doing anything wrong with Carter but I just feel kind of guilty. I think Luka looks at it like I left him for Carter.

"Hey." I say casually and he jumps a little.

"Sorry you scared me… hey."

"Daydreaming were we?" I say trying to keep the mood light.

"What, oh yea. Kind of."

"Are you ok? You look… tired." I say deciding that 'hey luka you look like shit' probably isn't the best way to go.

"Yea I'm fine… how are you?"

"I'm good." Well this is the most awkward conversation ever.

"That's good."

"Yea…"

"So…Carter told me you guys are together now?" he says like I didn't know, his accent thick. Does he not realize I was there when he caught us making out in the lounge? I thought it would take a lot longer for this to be brought up.

"Um, yea… Luka about that, I just wanted to-"

"Don't even worry about it Abby." He says almost angry as he stands up shaking his beer bottle telling me it's empty and excuses himself to go get another. I don't think he really needs one.

I watch him walk away and decide to give it a rest for now.

"Hey you ok?" Carter asks coming up from behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"What?" I say coming out of my thoughts.

"I asked if you were ok?" he laughs giving me a weird look.

"Oh, yea…I'm fine." I say turning around in his arms and hugging myself to him. He pulls me tight and kisses my forehead.

"Why don't we go sit with everyone?" he asks and I nod. I can't help but notice Luka watching us from the table.

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"Oh my god you guys! That was so not funny!" I yell as everyone laughs at me. We all started talking about embarrassing stories in the ER but somehow we have managed to just pick on mine the past hour. Some kid throwing up on me is not funny.

"Abby it was hilarious!" Ray yells as everyone continues laughing. I think they might pee their pants.

"Fine!" I say holding up my hands in a surrender position. "You guys find someone else to pick on." I say sarcastically and excuse myself to grab a drink.

As I walk into the kitchen I can see Luka walking into the bedroom down the hall. He looks wasted and I debate with myself if I should go help him or not. As I enter the room I see him sitting on the bed, head in hands massaging his temples.

"Headache?"

"Yea… I, I need another drink."

"I highly doubt that's what you need." I say under my breath.

"What?" he asks and I shake my head.

"Are you ok? You've been acting a little strange tonight. Why don't you come sit with everyone?"

"I'm fine Abby… just a little tired, I should go home and get some sleep." He says grabbing his coat and trying to make his way past me. I grab his arm and he turns around stumbling over his own feet and practically landing on me.

"Luka… It's just me. Talk to me." I say but I soon regret stopping him. We are close now, too close, and I think he is getting the wrong idea. I step back a foot or so but his eyes don't change.

"Abby.."

"I should get back-"

"I miss you…."

"Luka, let's not do this ok?"

"…We, we were so good together." He mumbles walking towards me.

"You're drunk." I say simply, and a little annoyed.

"So, It doesn't mean I don't know what I am saying!"

"I think it might." I whisper before walking past me. He touches my arm and I am suddenly thrown back 4 years ago this very night. So much has changed and yet so much is the same.

"What does he have that I don't?" He asks softly, hurt.

"Luka, it's not about that... You are going to find someone, and she is going to be great, everything you need and deserve. But… that girl just isn't me. I'm sorry…you know I'll always be here for you, but… not like that." I say turning around and leaving the room. When I get in the hallway I feel like I can't breathe. I wasn't expecting that and I feel so horrible.

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"Hey… I thought you left without me." Carter jokes, coming out onto the steps. I guess I have been out here awhile. I just need a break from all the people.

"Yea, sorry. I didn't realize I had been out here so long." I say taking his hand he extended to help me up.

"Are you ready to get out of here?" he says taking me in his arms. I rest my head on his chest breathing in his cologne and I can't help but smile. With all of the different emotions that have been running through my mind tonight, regret wasn't one of them. I am truly happy and I love that.

"Definitley."

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The next morning I wake to Carter shaking me gently. I groan a little before giving in and opening my eyes.

"What?" I say grumpily.

"Well, morning sleeping beauty."

"It's only 7am John, and I don't have to work..."

"But it's Christmas, you have to get up."

"I don't think that was part of the deal when I asked you to stay last night." I joke and he laughs leaning down to kiss me. I take his face in my hands and he deepens the kiss further. Well, there is nothing wrong with waking up if this is what I get.

"Come on." He says pulling me out of bed. I rub my eyes as I adjust to the hall light, my arm practically getting pulled out of it's socket as Carter drags me down the hall into the living room. I throw my hand to my mouth stopping dead in my tracks when I see what he's done.

"Oh my god. When did you do this?" I ask shocked.

"Last night after you went to bed. I kept it at my apartment after I bought it yesterday morning." He says wrapping his arms around me. I am shocked.

Sitting before me is the biggest Christmas tree I have ever seen, beautifully decorated in red and white, a beautiful angel at the top. I really wanted to get a tree this year, but I just never had the time. A couple of days ago Carter and I had gone to the tree farm but there was nothing left but a tree that looked like it had been set on fire. I was pretty upset, I needed some Christmas cheer this year and I was afraid I had missed out.

"Thank you, it's beautiful." I say and he kisses my cheek still standing behind me.

"You're welcome. You wanna open presents?" he asks smiling, he knows I love that part. I swear I am still five years old when Christmas hits.

"No." I say shaking my head and closing my eyes, leaning my back into his chest.

"No?" he asks and I can feel him cock his head to look at me.

"I just want to stay like this for awhile." I whisper. I don't wanna move, not even an inch.

"I love you Abby." He whispers in my ear kissing the side of my head.

"I love you too…. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas baby."

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Please review! I will try to update before the weekend but I can't guarentee anything.


	25. Midnight

Ok guys, here's the next chapter. Another holiday, another party. lol. Sorry, but I wanted I had to fill in some chapters to pass the time. I am going to start getting towards the end of the story hopefully finishing with the next couple of chapters, there will be a nice little twist coming. A good one though. Thanks so much for all of the reviews!

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December 31

8:45pm

'What the hell is the matter with me? Why did I agree to throw this party? I mean honestly, I suck at throwing parties, my apartment is too small and all I want to do is curl up on the couch and watch a movie.'

These are the thoughts that are running through my mind as I rush frantically to set everything up before people start to arrive. I know why I am throwing this, Carter. He somehow convinced me that this would be a great idea. I'll remember to kill him later.

"Hey do you need-" Carter begins as he comes around the corner.

"Oh!" I scream as I dump the entire bowl of punch down my shirt.

"…any help." He finishes mouth open.

"Shit! You scared me!"

"Sorry… here I'll clean this up… go get changed." He says taking the bowl from my hands. I growl and mumble as I hand the bowl to him and run down the hallway to change my soaked and stained shirt. Great.

I change my clothes and throw my stained shirt in the washer as Carter walks in the washroom.

"Hey, are you ok?" he asks rubbing my shoulders.

"I'm just stressing, I'm sorry."

"It's ok… everything looks great, we are going to have fun tonight, just relax." He says and I lean into him wrapping my arms around his waist.

"You're right. I just want everything to be perfect."

"It will be." He smiles and at that very second I can't help but see a flash of Luka's face in the back of my mind. I invited the whole ER, including him, I just hope that things go a little better tonight then they did Christmas Eve.

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9:30pm

'Breathe Abby. Just breathe.' I say to myself. Everyone is here and having a blast dancing and partying. I stand dancing with Carter when I notice Luka walking in. As soon as we make eye contact I can see that ping in his face at seeing me in Carter's arms. I look away trying not to notice. I really want tonight to go well.

"Everyone's having a really good time." Carter whispers in my ear, trying to get me to calm down.

"Yea, it's turned out really well." I smile at him and he kisses me, pulling me closer to him and spinning me around causing me to laugh out loud.

"I love you." I say taking his face in my hands.

"I love you too."

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10:17pm

Making my way into the kitchen I spot Luka grabbing a drink. I pause debating if I should continue into the kitchen or run and avoid a potentially bad scene.

"Hey."

Too late.

"Hey Luka. How are you?" I say hoping to keep things civil.

"I'm good… listen I hope it's ok that I came-"

"Oh, of course. I invited everyone."

"No I just mean, well I'm really sorry about last week. I was drunk and stupid."

"It's ok, but thanks for the apology." I say and pull him into a quick hug. "You're ok right?" I ask still slightly worried about him.

"Yea, I am. I'm getting there." He says and smiles. He looks a lot better I do have to admit.

"You look better when you're not wasted." I say sarcastically, a smile on my face. He laughs.

"I would hope so." He says. This is what I was hoping for, like old times. I really do want Luka and I to be able to be friends.

"I'm glad you came."

"Me too." We stand awkwardly for a moment before he pulls me into a hug. As we pull away Luka rubs my cheek softly, looking deeply at me.

"I hope you're happy Abby, you deserve the best." He says and I smile. I am not sure how to react to this, but I can tell that he is trying to be friendly because he cares. This isn't a drunken attempt to pick me up or anything.

"What's going on?" I hear Carter's voice and I break away from Luka. He looks pissed, well actually he looks fine but I can read it in his eyes. I always could.

"Carter…" I start but Luka interrupts.

"We were just talking Carter." He says and puts his hands up in a surrender motion. This pisses Carter off and now anyone could see it. Luka is making him look like a possessive ass, and I don't think he likes it.

"Yea." Carter says picking up his drink that I assume was the reason he came into the kitchen and walks out, anger imbedded in his face.

"I should…" I say to Luka and he nods. I follow Carter down the hall where he walks into the bedroom.

"Hey… look nothing was going on there."

"I don't want to talk about it Abby."

"Well maybe I do. I don't need you walking around all pissy. Nothing happened, he was just being a friend Carter."

"Really? Abby the guy is still in love with you! "

"Do you honestly think you are in the position to be giving me this lecture!" I throw at him and he stops. I see his expression change and I can tell he is really bothered by this.

"John… things between Luka and I are going to be a little weird for a little while, but we are just FRIENDS… I'm with you." I say and walk towards him. I am surprised and a little hurt when I see him step back from me.

"I'm gonna go for a walk." He says softly and walks out the door. I follow him as I watch him grab his jacket.

"John, please stay. This is silly." I say trying to convince him to stay, yelling over the party music.

"I'll be back." Is all he says and walks out the door.

"Hey, is everything ok?" Susan asks as I walk into the living room trying to keep a happy spirit.

"Yea, Carter and I aren't really getting along… he just left."

"What! Why?" she continues and I don't say anything, turning my head towards the door. I hope this blows over by the end of the night. I really want to be with him at midnight.

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11:30pm

"Hey Carter!" I turn to see Pratt running towards me.

"Hey man." I say as he approaches.

"I was just heading over to Abby's… I thought you would be there?" he says confused as to why I am wondering the streets at 11:30 at night.

"Yea I was… we, well we kind of got into a fight…. I think." I answer. I don't even know what happened, I just knew I had to get out of there and clear my head.

"Aw come on man. Tonight? Go back and make up with her."

"I don't know… I have some things to think about."

"Like what?... what happened?" he asks as we sit on a stoop.

"I was walking into the kitchen to get a drink and I saw her and Luka…. I don't know it was just a little to close for being just friends."

"Are you sure you didn't just misinterpret things? I mean I thought you and Abby were doing so well… and her and Kovac have been over for awhile."

"I guess… but it's still…. I don't know, it's Luka. I guess I'm just jealous."

"Well I honestly don't think you have any reason to be… did you talk to Abby about it?"

"Not really. Just, well last week at Susan's he was drunk and hanging on her and then tonight I see them hugging and… yea, it all sounds stupid to me know, I just get a little jealous when I see them together. I can't help, all I can think about is the fact that they almost had a baby together and… they almost got married, not even a year ago."

"But… they didn't. And half of that is because she was still in love with you…" he says smiling at the fact that I am being so stupid. I must sound like a teenager right now.

"What time is it?" I ask suddenly.

"11:37… why?"

"Let's go!" I say and start running back towards Abby's.

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11:54pm

"Hey, we are going to head out." Susan says approaching me.

"What? It's like 5 minutes until midnight!"

"I know but… well I don't think baby cares what time it is." She laughs rubbing her stomach.

"Alright… I'll see you tomorrow then." I say hugging her and then placing my hand on her belly. I can't wait until she has the baby.

"Yea, what a bitch Kerry is making us work on New years…" She says and puts her coat on. "See you tomorrow… um, call me if you need to talk." She says and I know what she means. If Carter doesn't come home, she'll be awake.

"Thanks." I say my smile fading as she walks out the door. 11:57. He's not coming back, I can't believe he won't be here for midnight.

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11:57pm

"We aren't going to make it!" I yell as the cab practically crawls down the street. "Do you think you could go a little faster?" I ask nicely and he throws me a look.

"Here you go man, we'll get out here." Pratt says handing the guy a 20 and we jump out taking off down the street.

"Time!"

"11:59… come on we can make it!" he yells, laughing as we run like two year olds down the road. We reach Abby's door and I run up the stairs, bursting through the door just to hear the shouts of the countdown.

8…7…6…5…

"John!" she says looking up to see me walking towards her. Her smile radiating.

2…1…Happy New Year! Everyone yells as I pull Abby into a kiss. I wasn't about to miss this and I was stupid for leaving in the first place.

"I'm sorry." I say as we pull away.

"'Me too."

"For what?" I say confused.

"I just didn't think about how it must have looked in the kitchen… but really, I am all yours. I don't want you to doubt that." I smile and pull her in for another kiss.

"You have nothing to apologize for. I was just being jealous, and that's no excuse… I love you and I'm sorry I left."

"Apology excepted…under one condition…. promise you'll always come back." She says looking up at me. I smile.

"Always."

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Sorry if the grammar and spelling were off, I haven't proofed it yet, I'll fix it later.

Please review! I left a little preview to the next chapter since I don't know when I will update.

Next Chapter: Theres a problem at the hospital, Carter makes special plans for Abby's birthday while she gets a big shock.


	26. Surprise

Here's the next chapter everyone, hope you like it! Thanks for all the reviews!

Note: I couldn't remember when the exact date of Abby's birthday was so I just guessed. If you know then just let me know and I will change it. I didn't think it really mattered.

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6am. January 10th , I read on the alarm clock that is now annoyingly buzzing. When I was younger I always loved birthdays, each year meant Maggie would do something crazy and fun for my birthday. When I was a teenager I loved them because I was one year closer to leaving home. But after I hit 21 and found myself being forced to say goodbye to adolescence and childhood, if that's what you would call it, well, I just didn't care to much about getting older. Today is no different.

After showering and getting dressed I walk out into the kitchen to find Carter sitting at the table eating breakfast.

"Morning." I mumble as I reach for a coffee mug in the cupboards that were strategically placed for tall people. I hear Carter snicker at watching this and I turn and give him a look.

"Maybe you should get a step stool." He jokes. I just stare blankly and he shuts up looking down at the suddenly intriuging newspaper.

"I didn't think you had to go into today?" I say sitting down. It's 6:30 in he morning, why is he up?

"I don't, I have a meeting for the foundation unfortunately so I will be stuck doing that all day."

"Oh." I was kind of hoping that we would be able to do something for my birthday when I got home but I guess there is always tonight.

"Yea, I told Gamma that I would help her out, I guess they are discussing plans for opening a new wing at Northwestern. So of course Gamma has to look over every detail… I shouldn't be home later then 10:00."

"10:00 at night!" I say a little surprised.

"Yea, well we have to drive up there which will take awhile, the meeting with the board of the hospital is at 4:00 so… why?" he says obviously clueless. Did he forget my birthday?

"Nothing, I just… I didn't realize you would be back so late."

"What time does your shift end?"

"um 3:00." I say staring at me coffee.

"Oh, wow how did you sneak a half shift? Anyways, I will try to be as fast as I can but I gotta get going." He says standing up and walking over to kiss me goodbye.

"Bye. I love you." He says kissing me quickly and grabbing his jacket before walking out the door.

"Bye." I say to no one. What a great birthday this is going to be.

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"Hey what are you doing bitch!"

"Alright enough with the bitch! I am trying to help you, that's what you came here for isn't it!" I yell. I am so frustrated, this patient is driving me insane, it's not my fault that he has a big gash across his forehead. And if I hear bitch one more time I am going to give him another reason to complain.

"There... done… I will get the nurse to gather your papers." I say throwing my gloves in the bin and walking out. As I make it out the door I get a little dizzy and almost fall into the wall. I have been a little lightheaded these past couple of days, I really need to start eating breakfast. I don't think coffee qualifies.

"Wow... Abby, you okay?" Susan asks walking by and grabbing my arm.

"What… oh yea, yea I'm fine I just stood up to fast."

"Ok… you're sure?"

"Yea."

"Oh, hey Happy birthday!" she says realizing she hasn't said anything yet.

"Thanks." I say with a sour face. "At least someone remembered."

"What do you mean?"

"Carter… he, I think he forgot. No biggy."

"Aw, I am sure he didn't forget." She says with a sympathetic look. "You guys doing anything tonight or are you up for a girls night?" She says with a big smile.

"Um, I don't know what I'm doing. I'll call if I'm up for it." I say and turn around.

"You better… and Abby, you sure you're ok… you're looking a little pale!" She yells.

"I'm fine, don't worry!" I yell and continue walking.

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Ok. Maybe I'm not fine. As soon I get home from work I am in the bathroom vomiting and looking like a ghost. What the hell, I better not have gotten that damn stomach bug that was going around. Perks of being a ER doc I guess.

As I walk into the bedroom I do a double glance at the date on the alarm clock as it hits me. I'm late. It's been a full week. But that can't be it. No. Well… maybe.

Uh, I think I am going to be sick again. I decide to run down to the store and get a test before Carter gets home, I don't know what I am going to do.

Happy birthday Abby. I snicker to myself.

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After returning from the store I am of course to chicken to do the test and I feel awful so I hide the test and climb in bed. Maybe I am over reacting, I mean it's only been 5 days and I have been a little irregular after having Joe. I immediately tear up at the thought. I can't even think about the possibility of being pregnant right now.

When I wake up the clock reads 8:22pm and all of the lights are on except for the bedroom. My first thought is that I must have left them on and just to go back to bed until I notice the note on top of the alarm clock. I turn on the light and grab the paper. What the hell, I open up the note and all it says is FOLLOW THE ARROWS. I look down at the floor and I see red papers shaped like arrows pointing out into the hallway. I smile, knowing all to well that this is the work of John Carter.

I follow the arrows out to the front door where a beautiful dress is hanging and I gasp. It's stunning. WEAR ME. It says, I laugh he is such a dork. I put on the dress and comb my hair before following the arrows up to the rooftop of the building. When I open the door I am floored. There are flower petals everywhere, a table in the middle lit with candles, and soft music playing in the background. The first thing I notice however is Dr. John Carter, front and center in his 007 tux. He never fails to amaze me, I can't believe I thought he had forgotten my birthday.

"John.." is all I manage to get out before I start tearing up. He smiles, knowing he pulled it off. He walks towards me and hugs me.

"You honestly think I would forget your birthday?" he whispers in my ear.

"Maybe." I say sheepishly.

"Happy birthday." He says taking my face in his hands. I lean in and kiss him, fully on the mouth. This is amazing.

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Laying in bed, 2:48am, I smile replaying the days events. I was so wrapped up in the fact that Carter had "forgotten my birthday" that I hadn't even taken the time to celebrate myself. But tonight, wow. He completely amazed me. There was a beautiful dinner set up, and it seemed like we danced all night. The after show wasn't that bad either I giggle to myself and play with chain of my necklace. He gave me the most beautiful locket.

A sudden wave of nausea passes over me and I am thrown back into the real world. I still haven't taken that test. I don't think I really want to but I know that I should. I slide myself out from under Carter's protective arms and pad across the hallway into the bathroom. Once I am sure Carter is still asleep I pull out the test, take a deep breath and start enveloping myself in the directions. It's not like I haven't done this before. In fact I took seven tests when I found out I was pregnant with Joe. I smile at the thought. But for some reason I feel like I have to read them anyways, to make sure I don't mess up.

As I sit on the bathroom counter, ready to puke from being anxious and nervous rather then being sick I realize that these are the slowest 10 minutes of my life. Why the hell did I buy the 10 minute one?

Fact of the matter is though, as soon as the clock hits the 10 minute mark I still don't move to look. I can't. I am so nervous right now that if I looked I would probably pass out. But I have to, and I do.

The passing out part? Not so much. The puking? Check. I manage to get a glimpse of the test strip before completely disposing of my stomach.

PINK.

I'm pregnant.

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Thanks for the reviews guys. I'll update as soon as I can.

Next Chapter: Abby tries to deal with the thought of being pregnant again and begins pushing Carter away, Susan delivers her baby.


	27. The space between

Hey guys! Thanks for reviewing, you are all going to hate this chapter I am sure. haha. But bare with me, it will be ok.

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The next day I was on schedule, I went to the hospital 30 minutes before my shift and had Susan run an official pregnancy test. I already knew in my heart that I was pregnant but I just panicked. I needed solid proof.

"Are you sure?" I ask stone-faced.

"Yea… it's positive."

"Well… maybe we should do another just in case-"

"Abby…" Susan says softly. She knows I am freaking out, but I could do 100 tests and it wouldn't change anything.

"Have you told Carter?" She asks slowly.

"No… I just realized that's why I was feeling like that a couple days ago, and I wasn't sure so… Oh my god." I say taking my hands in my face.

"Abby, you should tell him. You know he'll be ecstatic, and then you guys can talk-" she says but I interupt not noticing her grab her stomach.

"Exactly, he is going to be ecstatic and there isn't going to be any talking. He'll want this baby.."

"And you don't? I mean I know it hasn't been long since…joe. But, Abby you wanted to be a mom so bad. Give it another chance."

"I don't know… I do want to be a mom. But, I.. I just can't do it again. I'm not ready, I mean what if something goes wrong. I'm not strong enough."

"Don't say that. You don't know that anything could go wrong. This is your chance, don't think about the bad stuff… you're going to have a baby!" she smiles and I do also. I do want to be a mom, badly. But I don't think I am ready yet.

"Just talk to Carter… not matter what you decide, he'll support you."

"Yea I guess."

"Alright, I gotta- OW!" She stops mid sentence and grabs her stomach.

"What's wrong!" I panic jumping up from my seat on the gurney and putting my hand on her shoulder.

"I don't know… It's been light all day, I haven't thought much of it. Just a stomach ache or something but I think it's a contraction. "

"Uh… I would say so." I laugh nodding down to the puddle on the floor.

"My water broke!" she yells.

"Come on, let's get you to O.B." I say grabbing a wheelchair in the corner of the room and wheeling it over to her.

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17 hours and one girl later, Susan is sleeping, obviously exhausted while Chuck rocks the newest addition to their family. They named her Haley Rose, and she is absolutely the most beautiful girl ever.

As I stand outside the nursery, staring at all the babies faces, I can't help but feel lost. How can I possible think of aborting this child? Especially after everything I have been through. But I can't help feeling in the back of my mind a slight twinge of guilt. I feel so bad that I might have a happy healthy baby after what happened to Joe. It doesn't seem fair.

"Hey!" Carter says grabbing my sides from behind, scaring the living daylights out of me. I think I jumped 5 feet.

"Hi." I say trying to smile. I don't want him to ask questions, I'm not ready to talk about this.

"Have you been in there to see her yet? She's beautiful."

"Yea, I was in there earlier but I wanted to let Susan rest." I say and he nods.

"You, ok? You look sick." He says rubbing my cheek. I probably do look like crap, at least I feel like it.

"Oh, yea. I'm all right just tired. I think I am going to head home."

"Alright, well I'm off in a 30, why don't you stick around and I'll give you a ride?"

"Nah, I need some air." He looks at me confused for a minute but decides to let it go.

"Ok."

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When I get home that night, I decide to brave some dinner even though I feel incredibly nauseous. Of course, it doesn't stay in my stomach.

Sitting in the bathroom, I hear a knock on the door.

"Ab? You ok… " he asks concerned. He can probably hear me throwing up.

"Yea I'm fine." I say and open the door walking past him throwing a very fake smile. I think I forgot how sick I always was. Blah.

"Are you sure… you've been acting weird all day… all week." He finishes with barely a whisper.

"No I haven't… I just, I just want to go to bed. I'm tired." I say rather harsh. I don't mean to push him away, but it's like a instinct, a reaction.

"So you are feeling sick? Well.. go to bed then, I'll make you some soup." He says heading to the kitchen but I catch him.

"No…. Carter I'm not hungry. Please just… why don't you just go to your place tonight. I just want to get some sleep." I say with no tone to my voice. I really am just exhausted, my shift ended at 6pm but I stayed until 11 for Susan. It's just been one of those days.

"Wow… where is this coming from?"

"No, nothing like that… I just I need some space right now. Ok?"

"Sure.." he says getting his jacket.

"What are you mad now?"

"Should I be! You are being completely cold tonight, just like old times it's great." He mumbles.

"What are you talking about-"

"I mean that nothing has changed Abby. Again something is bothering you and you won't let me in. I'm not gonna do this all over again, I don't have the time or energy."

"Fine!" I wave my hands in the, extrememly hurt.

"Abby… I love you, I want to be with you. But I want things to be different, I thought they were I mean we were doing so well-"

"We are doing good!-"

"Then why are you shutting me out!"

"Jesus Carter I am just sick and tired. Ok? I just want to go to bed and be alone right now, don't take it so personal." The whole time I am yelling at him I know he is completely justified. I have been a jerk to him all day, and now I am telling him to get out for no reason.

"Fine… I'll leave. But I don't believe you." He says and walks out. I feel my heart sink immediately but I don't have the guts to go after him and apologize. Probably because I don't have a good explanation.

So I don't. I just stand there staring at the door before residing back to my room for a restless night.

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The next day at work was really stressful. Not only were we short a doctor because of Susan leaving but Carter and I weren't getting along at all, which the whole staff was completely aware of.

When I first got to work I tried to talk to him but he was stuck in trauma so I decided to wait until break. Then we got stuck together on a MVA and did nothing but argue the whole time. I think we looked like we wanted to kill each other, thank god we didn't kill the patient.

"Hey, can we talk?" I ask approaching him in the lounge. He looks at me for a second and then nods.

We take our break and head down to the river, coffee in hand guarding our hands from the bitter cold breeze.

"John, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings last night. I don't want you to think that I am shutting you out, I just… I need some space." What the hell is coming out of my mouth? I don't need space, I need to tell him we are having a baby.

"Space… where is all of this coming from. I mean just a last week everything was fine…"

"I know, I just. I think we are moving to fast." Ok I panicked. I am still freaked about the baby and that tells me to slow this relationship down. We haven't even been together for more then a few months, we can't have a baby, not to mention that I just had a baby less then a year ago. A baby that didn't make it, sending me into a spiral of depression.

"So what are you saying? That's it-"

"No, I just… I need a break. Some time, I have some things I need to think about."

"Like what?" he asks and I give him a look. He just gives me a dirty look back and stands up.

"Fine, take your space. You haven't changed a bit Abby." He spits at me and starts walking off. I can feel a tear running down my cheek at his words. I have never felt so alone and lost. Why can't I just embrace this, why can't I just tell him and live happily ever after. I know why, cause it will never happen for me.

The complications are so much higher this time for me to have a child. What if the same thing happened as it did with Joe? What about Carter? He's already lost a child as well, I couldn't bare seeing him so excited just to relive the pain of Joshua's death.

I can't have this baby.

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I know you are all thinking ah I wanna kill Abby. Don't worry, things will get better.

Please review!

Next Chapter: Abby makes her decision whether to keep the baby or not, Carter resigns, Susan and Abby talk.


	28. I already do

So.. I actually had some time to update, imagine that. I hope you like it, thanks for the reviews guys!

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It's been a little over a week since I Carter and I had our argument by the river. Ok, true, I asked for space but I didn't expect him to ignore me all week. Work is unbearable, we don't get along at all in traumas, everyone keeps asking if we broke up, and I feel like every time we make eye contact he looks right through me.

"hey are you ready?" Susan asks walking into the lounge where I stand putting my lab coat in the locker.

"Umm… yea." I say hesitant. I feel like such a horrible person right now.

"Abby… you don't have to do this. Are you sure?"

"Please… just don't ask me if I am sure." I say walking towards her. She gives me a hug and then we walk out the door. I meet Carter on the other side, and his eyes bore into me. I might just throw up right now.

"Hey." I say and he nods with a fake smile.

"Ladies." He says and walks past us into the lounge. Susan gives me a look of empathy and I just continue walking. I can't deal with this right now.

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Sitting in the OB office, I find myself people watching like crazy. I see all the happy couples come through the door, obviously expecting and extremely excited. Then I see the single women walking in, alone and looking terrified. I know what they are here for.

"You alright?" Susan asks grabbing my hand. I asked her to come for support, I know she was against it but she knew I needed someone there.

"I-"

"Abigail Lockhart?" the nurse calls before I get the chance to answer. This place feels all to familiar. I came here when I was pregnant with Joe, I had the same fears that I have now, but I chose to keep him. I wanted a baby. I still do.

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When we arrive back at the hospital I immediately search for Carter. When I don't see him anywhere and his name is erased from the board I am confused. I know his shift didn't end for another three hours.

"Jerry, did Carter leave early?"

"Yea, I saw him and weaver fighting in the hall. She came up and erased his name off the board as he walked out. You missed it." He laughs explaining the ER drama that he lives for. I give him a look and decide to talk to Kerry.

I don't even make it to her office before she spots me in the hall and calls me over.

"I assume you heard about John? Can you tell me what is going on with him…?" she ask wrongly assuming that I have the slightest involvement in his life anymore.

"I don't know… we aren't really-"

"Well, make sure you let him know that I am serious about what I said. I am not going to keep offering him a job when all he does it walk out on this hospital time after time. I am sick of it."

"We'll we aren't really talking right now… he, he resigned?" I say shocked. I didn't mean that much space.

"Oh, I didn't realize you guys…. Well, yes. They want him back in Africa I guess. I swear that organization hates me." She says. A paramedic comes in looking for a doc and she excuses herself while I stand there unable to move. Africa?

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Knock. Knock.

As the door swings open, I can tell Carter wasn't expecting to see me by the look on his face. He doesn't say anything, just turns around and walks into the living room. He didn't slam the door in my face, so I take it as a sign to come in.

"That's a awfully small bag for Africa don't you think?" I spit as he throws a T-shirt into his backpack. His head shoots up at me, I assume to be a confused reaction. I don't think he thought I would find out.

"What did you think you could just skip town, leave the country and I wouldn't know? We're you even going to tell me, or was this going to be a repeat of five years ago!" I say my anger rising.

"Oh hell Abby, what do you care? This whole relationship is a repeat. Nothing has changed, especially not you. I'm done trying, you don't want to so why should I!" He yells at me, taking me back a bit. His bitterness and anger is definitely prominent in his voice.

"Carter… I didn't say I was giving up, I just asked for some space. And you are just taking off? Who hasn't changed!"

"I have been trying Abby, but you are the same person you were when I left years ago. You are still pessimistic Abby who shuts out the world. Things get good and you get scared. I can't deal with this again, I won't." He says continuing to shove clothes into the bag that is already too full. I decide not to point that out.

I walk over to him and touch his hand. He stops throwing his fit and looks up at me confused. He pulls his hand away and looks deep into me, I can see the hurt boring in his eyes.

"I love you Abby. But I don't have the strength for this." He whispers. "I thought this time was going to be different."

"It will be. Just, don't go. I want to be with you, and I know I hurt you by pushing you away but I was scared."

"So Every time you get scared you're going to push me away? I want to be there for you."

"Carter, I have changed. We both have, and what we have is amazing. It's something special that we aren't going to find anywhere else. Don't walk away from it."

"You're making me walk." He says simply looking away from me.

"john…"

"Abby, give me one good reason why I should say? So I can get thrown out of your life every time something bad happens? How can we have a relationship like that?"

"I'm pregnant." I spit out. I wasn't planning on telling him like that. But hey, you want a reason to stay? There's one.

"What?" he says completely shocked. I know he heard me, and it is more of a statement so I just nod my head and smile.

"I was scared John. I found out I was pregnant, and all I could think about was Joe. I just didn't think I was strong enough to do this again… so soon. So I did what I do best, I pushed you away, shut you out. But I won't do that anymore. I want this baby, and I want you." I declare hoping that he believes me. I couldn't go through with the abortion, after having Joe I could never do that. I am still terrified as hell, and I know there are risks but I want this.

He just stands in his spot staring at my stomach. I take his hand and place it on my still flat belly and he releases the breath he was holding.

"I don't want to be scared anymore… I want to have this baby. But I need to know how you feel about it…" I say slowly nervous about his words. I know he wants to be a father, but under the circumstances, I am not sure he wants to have a baby with ME.

He looks up at me, removing his hand from my stomach and placing it on my cheek as he leans in and kisses me deeply, washing away all the pain from these last couple of weeks.

"I love you, and I will love this baby… I already do." He says smiling from ear to ear. I can't help but smile as well and a small giggle escape my mouth. I can't help it, I have been beating myself up this past week, I want to enjoy this. With him.

"Me too."

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Please review! I know it was a lil short... but hey two updates in two days...lol.

Next Chapter: Abby goes into labor and has a complicated delivery... LAST CHAPTER!


	29. Crazy beautiful

Ok guys, it's been awhile since I have written for this story, so I don't know how good this last chapter is, I feel ike it's a little rushed but I just have no time and I really wanted to get the story finished. Sorry about the wait, college is incredibly time consuming lol. Love you all for reviewing and reading the story. Here's the last chapter :cry:yahoo:

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"Dr. Carter, there's a trauma coming in, MVA." Haleh yells to me from admit and I walk over to her, grabbing my coat to shield me from the torrential downpour.

I have to admit it has been nice being at work today, it's been pretty slow and it gives me sometime away from Abby. These past couple of months have been amazing and difficult at the same time. This pregnancy has her incredibly moody. Not only does she have the regular hormones of pregnancy, but she is so afraid something is going to happen to the baby that she is constantly paranoid. It's hard but you learn to deal with it.

"What do we have boys?" I ask the paramedics wheeling a young man out of the ambulance.

"27 year old male, MVA, drunk driver hit him head on…" he continues telling me the story as we enter the trauma room. After 30 minutes of preping and stabilizing the man he is wheeled off to surgery. I throw my gloves off into the bin as I see Pratt racing down the hallway.

He wave towards me and I exit the room running towards him.

"What's up another tra-?" I ask

"They just brought Abby in, she's in labor."

"What she isn't due for three weeks." I yell running past him and towards the ambulance bay.

"Carter, they already have her in trauma 2." He says and race back in the opposite direction. When I reach the room I can see Kerry performing an ultrasound and Abby crying hysterically. I think I am going to throw up.

"Abby…" I say entering the room, she shoots her head towards me and starts crying harder.

"John something is wrong, I'm not due yet, it's too early!" she yells and I grab her hand.

"It's ok, calm down maybe it's just a false alarm." I say stroking her face but I can tell by the look in her eyes that something is wrong.

"What's going on?" Dr. Couburn asks entering the room.

Kerry pulls her aside as they discuss the ultrasound and I can tell that they are worried.

"Ok Abby you aren't in full labor, you are only a few centimeters dilated but there is a problem." she says examining Abby and blocking the ultrasound with her body so I can't see. "The baby has turned breech. It appears that the cord has managed to wrap around its neck. We need to act fast.

"What it was just fine last week!" she screams referring to her appt.

"I know, but it's almost entirely turned, now I can manually turn the baby and try a vaginal birth or we can go with the C-section. I think the C-section is your best bet with what happened with Joe… and the cord. We don't have much time."

"I can't believe this." Abby says shocked.

"Abby, you worked in the OB, you know the risks… I think you should do the C-section." I say panicked. There is nothing I can do right now and I am freaking out.

"Ok, fine." She nods crying. I know how much she wanted a natural birth this time but it's just to risky. We don't have the time.

"What's the oxygen level?" Couburn asks and Kerry responds.

"It's good, the cord isn't tight." I smile thanking god we have time.

"Alright, let's get you upstairs."

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I ask to scrub in but Couburn refuses and asks that I wait outside. Apparently I am to distressed. Of course I am, jesus my wife is going in for a C-section on our baby who's umbilical cord is wrapped around it's neck. I hate doctors, why the hell did I go to med school?

"What's happening?" I ask from the watch deck when I hear sounds going off. With no answer I say it again, less nicely.

"The baby's oxygen level is going down." She yells back at me, her hands reaching for all sorts of tools. I have never done a C-section before but I know that they shouldn't be this difficult. Abby's scaring from last time and the tears she had in her uterus are making this complicated. I think they are worried she may bleed out.

I look up to see her pulling the baby out, a girl. But she doesn't cry.

"Is my baby ok!" Abby yells obviously noticing the non-crying.

"She is going to be fine." Couburn says handing Abby the baby who begins crying. I can see the grin on Abby's face grow wider reflecting my own.

"You can come down Carter." She yells and I rush down.

"It's a girl!" Abby yells, completely forgetting how nerveracking these past couple of hours have been and just focusing on our baby.

"I was hoping." I smile touching the baby's face, she's beautiful. I really wanted a girl, and so did Abby. We didn't want to find out the sex, and we would have loved a boy, but I think we both would have felt slightly guilty if we had a son after both losing boys.

"She's beautiful." Abby whispers in awe.

"Abby, we need to take her now. Let's move you into a room ok?" the nurse says hesitantly, knowing Abby should have time with her. She agrees though and they take her to the nursery for cleaning and observation.

I try to follow the nurse but she shoos me away assuring me that she'll be fine. I can't help it, I just want to make sure that she is ok. We barely had her for 5 minutes.

"Carter?" Couburn yells at me trying to get my attention. "We are putting her in room 402. Why don't you go get some food and call your family, we are going to help her into bed and things." I know what she mean, they have to sow her up and I doubt you want to watch. I decide to make some calls and let everyone know we have a new baby girl. I have never been so excited.

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"Abby she is gorgeous." Susan says smiling.

"I know, I can't get over it. She's perfect."

"Hey did you ever have a doubt?" She jokes and Abby laughs. It's been a day since the C-section and the baby is doing fine. We decided to name her Emily, my first choice.

"You sure you don't want any help tomorrow?" Chuck asks us, bouncing their own child off his hip. I laugh at this.

"We'll manage." Everyone has been offering to help us get the baby home and settled tomorrow when they are discharged but I think we just need sometime alone.

"Alright, well call us and we will stop by ok?" Susan says kissing Emily and handing her to Abby." She nods as do I and I walk them out.

When I get back to the room I watch Abby staring at Emily and I can't help but smile. This has been a life-changing year that's for sure, and now I have two amazing girls in my life.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask getting her attention. She hasn't noticed me come in.

"I was thinking that when she is old enough to date, you are going to kill any guy who walks in our house." She smiles and I laugh.

"Damn right, that's my job after all." I say sitting next to Abby on the bed and putting my arm around her. She leans into my chest and I kiss her head while patting down the little bit of hair on Emily's head. This is heaven.

"I love you." I whisper.

"I love you too."

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Soo…. That's the last chapter guys! A nice happy ending like I promised. thanks so much for sticking with this story I hope you liked it and I appreciate all the reviews and comments! I have so many ideas for more stories but I won't have much time for awhile so I don't know when the next story will be up. If you have any ideas for stories let me know, I am writing for you after all. Thanks so much!!


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